Chapter 2: The Calm after the Storm
|Posted on March 29, 2015 at 4:50 PM|
Why hello there! I guess it's been long enough since I wrote anything, and one thing I might be doing is switching over to using WordPress but I am not entirely sure. I have a surefire freestyle way of writing blogs, and although my grammar isn't the greatest that's not even the point. So, lets get into what's new and what is going to be taking place soonish.
Honestly, everything lately has been falling into place, work isn't so rough anymore or so it seems, but who knows if all that could change. I've had my fair share of struggles, but one thing I have to decided upon is where do I go from working at Sheetz? Do I want to stay there for a longer period off time than what I have put in already? Honestly, if I have no other alternative I have no choice and I know people like Steve & Jo and many many others wouldn't let me leave without knowing I am going to go to a place that is better than what I have currently got.
One thing I do know is for awhile now I have been debating on leaving, and debating on what I am going to really do with my life, but I think honestly the wait is over, the struggle off indecision is over, and I really want to write. I just want to keep writing, and if that means going through years of college, so be it. It's something I love doing and it's honestly something I can appreciate and gives me a way to express myself when I can't explain things to other people as far as how I am feeling, doing, etc. It gives me that one way to do what I feel I can't do on my own sometimes.
Now back to the whole Sheetz thing, I have been working there for *Wait for it* that's right! Today marks 4 years that I have been with Sheetz, longest job I have held, and I have to say I have met a ton of faces, plenty of amazing people and some have already come and gone which makes me sad. But I never forget how many times I did what I could to make sure smiles were on faces and that frustration flowed away. The one thing I never took into consideration was how I was feeling through the entire four years.
I had so much personal crap that I dragged into work with me and just kept to myself about mostly, and didn't bother being a burden to anyone or letting it lay on their shoulders. I knew better, and knew I couldn't do that to anyone. Thing's were never easy for me but I always had that smile on my face and always did what I could whenever I was there, aside from the work part speaking. Not to say I didn't do my work or don't, because I do. The point is, I always put others ahead of me, and ahead of what I am doing.
Smartest decision I made? Probably not, but its how I have lived my life for the last 24 years. Well..since I could start doing things to say the least. Nonetheless I have shout outs to make and those are to people like Ashley, Tish, Cindy, Bethanie, Tom, Ned, Mary, Jo, Steve, and just so many more including Tashi, who was always my biggest supporter through everything. If I felt like I had no one or anything, despite whatever she was doing at work she always would stand there and listen to me and talk to me about things and give me advice. But she soon left and I lost touch.
But they say all things come to an end eventually and while my time at Sheetz isn't over yet, when I do find something better which I am hoping is relatively soon because of the plans I have upcoming in my life, I have made a ton of turn arounds and its time to keep that flow going. Which leads me into the 2nd part of this blog and such. So over the course of the past 8 years I have met some incredible people through gaming plus through real life making its way to cross paths with people.
So as far as the online friends I need to address, Alex, Adam, Dan, Kyle, Meghan, Ross, Sean, The other Alex (Fluffeh JR), plus many more. As far as real life goes I need to say Alyssa, Bethanie, Tashi, Ashley, Steve, and multiple others. I can't address every single person or else I am going to write a book, but then again, writing a book wouldn't be so bad...right? But here comes the addressing!
Alex - I have known you for what feels like my entire life. You've been there for me through thick and thin and despite problems we faced in the past with disappearing acts or times when we both took what one another said too personally, or kinda fell off that bandwagon we had going, we always knew what eachother was thinking. You really are the brother I never really had, one that I wish was a bloodline but isn't, but practically is in terms of how much we've helped eachother through. You & Me are brothers for life till the day that we are done here. Thank you for helping me along the way and just carrying me through so much of the pain that I was feeling and always pushing me to be positive.
Adam, you and I connected real well the first time we met on League of Legends back in Season 2, I wouldn't have changed a single thing if I could've because anytime that we disconnected and argued it was over petty things, sometimes serious things but that was rare. Needless to say you likewise to Alex kept pushing me and telling me things would get better, no matter how much I disregarded the statement because I didn't want to or didn't know how to. You are a real friend, that doesn't change no matter if I am not playing League as much anymore or not.
Dan, excuse my language but Damn dude..I really have no clue what to say. You're older than me but we connected as if we were both in our really early 20's and just did alot of things together. From playing League to Diablo 3 to Dayz Mod or even the actual DayZ and so many other games. You were one who was able to give me knowledge where maybe Alex and Adam and others couldn't. But that is simply through the fact that you were older and knew more about things than most did. I can't thank you enough, but if you remember saying to me "Zeb you're a better man than I am" the statement I still to this day claim is "No i'm not." for many reasons, I have alot of area's to improve upon. You were there the night things with Tasha went downhill and I ran downstairs and became unstable and just, lost it, and almost lost myself that night for good. You calmed me down when no one else was around and you always knew what to do and how to handle me. Thank you for being not only a real friend but a Father Figure I never truly had at any point in time.
Kyle & Ross, you both have been great friends to me, Kyle I met you on Diablo III through the making of the Clan "Cain's Shadows" now renewed as "Shadow's of Cain" but, we connected real smooth like. We may not have been through all that much together but, we never argued at any point in time that I can recall, nonetheless we always enjoyed gaming together and then random talks about random things, and all I can say is if you still plan on moving down this way, we can make it happen still, one way or another, you know me I always find a way. Ross, I met you through Meghan & Sean and let me say this, one day I do plan to meet you and cross over that Canadian border and see where that all takes me. Thank you for all the times where you claimed that I didn't belong in what ELO I was in League and for all the positive motivation that you dished out, because its not everyday someone would push me so hard to play a game where I was so burned out on and always try too make me look at every game positively and analyze the mistakes and just..everything. We connected alot due to our past relationships but as you said when I got into a new relationship "Ross Cooper Happy for you Zeb, this better not mean I dont hear from you again tho March 13 at 3:14am" It won't be. I may not be gaming as much as I used to now, but its for good reason and I will play when I have the time to.
Meghan & Sean, I have known you two since Season 1 in League, kinda crazy huh? 4-5 years of knowing you guys and there's still so much to be uncovered as far as knowing eachother like books. But one thing I can say is Meghan, we might not share the same Religious backgrounds but the respect you've shown me in terms of that is undeniably the best. But you likewise to everyone have always been there to try and help me through my rough times. When you Alex, and many others bound together to make sure I was okay and that I would be okay from those points on out, that meant the most to me. Sure, some of it went sour because it was handled horribly, but at the same time I don't hold that against anyone. Thank you though for giving me some of the best times in League whether it was fun or serious whether it was norms or ranked, you always said "Damn Zebby you are good and that reaction time though" I still remember hearing that and the smile I had on my face kinda like Faker does every now and then. Sean, we have had more than enough ups and downs, but I just want to say this, You can be immature at times but you also know when to be mature, You have come a long long way since I first met you and that's something I am proud of and that you should be proud of, but always remember, you need to be mindful of others feelings with anything and everything you say because sometimes it can be really hurtful and end in bad results that you don't want. Most nights you'd be up with me if Dan wasn't after everyone went to bed and would play random league games with me or whatever we would do. Whenever I had trouble sleeping at night and trouble being calm and couldn't handle being alone anymore. Keep your head up because you will turn out better than what many say you will or think you will and thank you for everything.
Alex (Fluffeh Jr), Haha, you randomly came into my life on Diablo III as well through I believe Kyle or maybe it was a random game. I'm not entirely sure, but nonetheless it has been one helluva doing Season's 1 & 2 with you on Diablo III. of course I didn't want to play D3 alone but you eventually came back before Kyle and Alex did and to be honest that made playing Season 2 so much more worth it to me. Facts are you might not know much about my personal life and you might not have been around as much as some of these guys and gals have been but let me tell you, even the littlest bit helps. You & I will bond just like I did with all of them and we have already begun that since the beginning and it's been absolutely fun!
Needless to say my online gaming experiences aren't over yet, there's so much to do and such little time but I am saying this now, I am not done entirely with gaming, and won't be for a long time. That's just part of who I am and what I do daily (well not so much anymore) and all I know is I met some truly great people and I might not be here if it wasn't for them. But I know my gaming days are limited at the moment but when I get a chance we all are going to reconnect at some point, but keep in mind I do have plans of making my way out to see you guys via face to face because I feel that's only fair especially with all the promises I have made in the past, I am going to live up to it. I need to. I love you guys and girls and thank you for the major support that you all gave me and just being there day in and day out.
So lets move onto people who over the last few years have impacted my life in nothing but a positive way shape and form. Shall we?
Alyssa, Good lord..I don't even know where to start. I really don't. By complete random chance I met you and I have to say it was one of the best meetings ever. Why? We connected from day one, personality wise and through our past. Not so much the military side but other things. I guess in a way I kinda relate through the military side thanks to my Cousin Billy, but that's whole other story to be completely honest and its just not the same. We may've had like this small fallout where we both backed away from talking to eachother and of course I left myself wondering what I had done, what I had said and maybe even thought that maybe you looked at me like like I was some kind of uncaring freak or creeper. Needless to say since we reconnected it is like when I first met you, constantly smiling and the crazy good laughter that I had been missing in my life and needed so badly.
Now i look at us in this relationship and I see all the connections, I am able to see exactly how well it will go, it's not about how short of a time you've been with someone or how long either, it's about how they connect personality wise and also on past events plus what they do in the here and now and how they get along. Of course we haven't hit bumps in the road, but like I have said time and time again, we will stomp those into the ground and when that happens we're going to smile through it and remember why we are together in the first place. This is the first time in my life, that I felt so patient, and learned how it feels to go slow and not fast and rushed like many times before. Everytime I am with you it's a hearbeat that I lose, it skips that one beat and those random times when we just look at eachother and smile and we just smile, my heart just rushes, almost like it wasn't to just pop out of my chest, heaven forbid that ever happens though haha!
But, I could tell you were something special from the beginning, someone unique who had alot of stories to tell and someone who would actually listen to me when I was upset or someone who would give anything to make sure that I was smiling by the end of the night when I would lay down to sleep. How often is it that I meet someone like this? Not really that often and its relatively rare for anyone in my honest opinion but I could be wrong. But for me personally it was rare. I could go over how many things you do better than anyone else, but I can't explain it all. Not through texts, not through this, I guess the only way I can show it is through doing everything I do when you're with me. Facts are you've vastly improved my life just by being part of it and by actually being with me, out of how many guys out there? Milliions, etc. The list goes on and on. I haven't had happiness in so long that I became scared of it. I was scared of being used and abused and hurt.
But the thing is I know you aren't like other girls, you aren't a low down cheat, or a sex fiend let alone the fact I know you aren't a liar. You've proven time and time again how honest you are, and how you aren't out to hurt me and I guess I am just not used to it, just like when you say I am sweet or that I am doing more for you than anyone else has (Relationship wise) I constantly wonder how I am this or that or what it is that I am doing that just doesn't compare. I guess I wonder because I am not used to hearing these things and having them truly mean something. All I know is, Love is a strong word, it makes and breaks people, and its broken me many many times because I fall fast. But this time around, I am not nearly as scared as I was towards the beginning, and I guess that's based off how comfortable I feel and also how happy I am. Looking back towards the beginning of February and looking at everything now, I see all the changes that have happened with me, and I am really happy.
Living life with your head down and and your face so gloomy and sad looking isn't a way to live, but now..it's like a renewed life so to speak. Having new life being breathed into me thanks to you. The facts still stand that you saved me from myself alongside the people who kept pushing me to keep going and telling me things would eventually get better. You were right there with them as far as saying things like that to me. You told me to not give up and to not ever let anyone bring me down. It didn't matter how many times I disregarded that statement you and everyone else were right, because look at where I am at now, look at where you are now.
Needless to say I woouldn't have changed a single thing about my past leading up to this point. Because we all know if we changed once piece of history in our life, then it might drastically change what the future outcome would be. It's crazy to think about but its so true. Then again the old saying of "You have to go down before you go up and once you can't go down any further you eventually fly high." Okay so maybe it doesn't go like that but still, you know what I mean! Either way, first and foremost, thank you for everything you do everytime you're with me. The smiles, laughs, dare I say I love, and the time together means the world to me. Everyone is happy to see me happy and smiling again, and it's because of you, but also because of what you brought out in me when I thought no one else possibly could. It's hard to believe..but its happpening.
Thank you for being the best and for giving me a crazy ride so far in this relationship, because it's been some of the best times of my life literally. The fact that you also connect with my mother so well is amazing, and like I had said before in my past relationships the girlfriend never connected with my mom the way you do. Which to me is still so surprising but it makes me overwhelmingly happy! But the fact that you two can sit there and be so open with eachother is always a plus! And then there's me, who has met your parent's parents but not your parents. Somehow..this is backwards lol. But it's understandable to due to the state difference and whatnot.
However, I do want to meet them at some point down the road, I am pretty determined to see it happen. Especially with how much you've told me about both your mom and dad and all of that craziness. But then again I tend to get nervous easily, but it's something to look forward to by far. Nonetheless I am thankful that I am meeting more and more of your family, especially at the gunbash last night considering I wasn't expecting hugs from anyone but I got them. It felt really good to in a way I guess I could call it acceptance?..Not sure. But, either way in the meantime you're in for a crazy ride as far as meeting my family goes, it's going to be fun and it's going to be a good time! Connecticut bound we will be on....I believe either Wednesday or Thursday depending. We shall see, but I am really glad you're going with me! <3
Bethanie, My sista! From another motha! Nonetheless, it's been a crazy ride with you. I was there for you whenever you were going through hell with Brandon and you were there for me when I was going through hell with Tasha, we both did whatever we could to help eachother and it wasn't easy at all, and it wasn't as hard as it could've been. But throughout it all we did what we could and everything worked out in the end little by little. Not to mention you have constantly been trying to pick me up when I am down and even if it was a temporary fix, you never stopped, you were relentless. More importantly you wanted to see me happy and now you are, and you have your own opinions about Alyssa and I couldn't be happier with what you told me Thursday night. We have many adventures to go on and I hope that both of us from this point on end up happy and have it completely finalized. Remember you're my sista and I am always a phone call or text away!
Tashi, I miss your face! Miss working with you a ton. But alas you have been gone for so long and it makes me sad. But I honestly wanted to say thank you for everything you had been doing for me while you were working in the same store as me. You always had positive things to say as far as how I did my work or just how I was being within my relationship back then. Nothing but positive things and you would always give me advice on what I should do and never forced me to listen to it. It wasn't easy after you left because I felt like I was missing my best friend. Not having you around to talk to me or pull me back to reality was really rough. But I know for a fact if you could've been you would've been. Nonetheless you are likewise to Bethanie a sister to me. I'm glad I met you and I am glad that you're still part of my life. But I miss all the singing we could do at night lol.
Ashley, good lord, that's a rough one to start out, because our friendship started the night that I first started working more or less. You were getting ready to go and your mom and I were in the cooler and you saw something fall off the shelving and i caught it and you just looked and said "Nice catch". Kinda made me feel pretty good lol. But no on a serious level you have been there for me and of course were my smoking buddy as far as Sheetz was concerned. Which I am pleased to tell you once and for all I plan to quit. Been facing some problems while doing so and I really just need to quit it. But, we had alot of great times working together from calling me Zebbers to Lady Zebbers to sneaking out to smoke and just random conversations about all sorts of things. You picked me up when I was down and always made sure to be serious with me without sugarcoating it and making me feel like I had something to prove and motivated me to do things that I hadn't done before. You helped give me a little bit of a backbone. So I can't thank you enough for that.
Steve, well he'll be addressed when I see him at work in the morning hahahahahaha!
So, basically I hope this kind of describes how my life is currently, and giving credit to everyone and especially to those who've stuck by my side throughout the last 4 years or so. It's been a crazy ride, I have hit the low of lows but not the lowest point thank god, but at the same time I have come close. I have alot of wonderful people in my life and I wouldn't at any point in time want that to change considering it's been a up and down ride to get to this point. Needless to say I hope that everyone mentioned and that everyone else is doing well. But this is me, filling you all in on what I am thinking how I am feeling and what people mean to me and that you guys truly do make the difference.
Thanks for reading, Love you all!