Chapter 1: Smiles & Laughter
|Posted on March 18, 2015 at 11:50 PM|
Why hello there everyone! Hope you're all doing well and enjoying life and all of that great stuff. I basically wanted to do a blog based off the past few weeks and more or less what all is going on, happening, etc. So lets jump into this and make the most out of it shall we?
So lets go back to the beginning of all of this which was March 6th, where things started to slowly develop. Basically, the first week was pretty incredible, So March 6th was Alyssa's birthday, and I have to say she had an amazing birthday that just got better from that point on. By this given point I pretty much knew how I felt towards her, I wasn't sure at first because I was afraid but with a good long message from Amanda and a few exchanges, I was pretty set in stone and knew what I had to do. But, I ended up taking a cautious and slow approach to it all, but not too long.
Saturday March 7th, 2015 was the night when it all really really started. I was invited to go to dinner with Alyssa, her Gramma and her Gramma's friend Donna, and I have to say it was pretty fantastic. I arrived first, and went in and got seated and just waited around, at first I felt so awkward being there alone. But, I go over it really quick because I knew they were coming and that's all that mattered. Prior to all of this though I had been texting Alyssa pretty much everyday a week beforehand and honestly I couldn't stop talking about how beautiful she was.
There was much more exchanged in terms of what I was saying but we won't go blurting all of it out there into the open world of the interwebs lol. Needless to say I was falling and falling pretty hard. See, back when I first met Alyssa I thought oh, I am going to be so shy and so quiet but it turns out that I wasn't at all quiet or shy. I couldn't stop talking, I couldn't stop smiling, I couldn't stop laughing. I thought to myself how can someone that I just met make my heart beat this fast or hard? I couldn't explain how I was feeling.
Honestly, I wouldn't have ever thought in a million years that I would be on the road I am right now, but let me tell you, and believe me when I say that meeting Alyssa was one of, if not the best thing that ever happened to me. For the longest time I felt so upset, I felt so down and out, I didn't want to be around anymore. Crying everyday before I slept or even periodically throughout the days, it didn't matter. I was down and felt kicked in the head, gut, everything repeatedly. I lost everything when I lost myself.
But, after awhile of talking I couldn't find the words to say how I was feeling, and soon enough we ended up drifting apart. It wasn't easy and it wasn't plesant because again I felt like I completely failed again. I felt like I was losing someone amazing, and in some cases I did. It was a missed opportunity. But, nowadays the best thing is that chance floated around and there is no way I would pass up a 2nd chance to be with someone like her because if I did, I would be the stupid one in all of this, foolish, etc. The list goes on and on but here we are. So lets get back to that dinner on March 7th eh?
So, basically that night was pretty incredible, I met her Gramma for the first time and I was so nervous to be completely honest, but I guess in some cases I had nothing to worry about. I met her Gramma and she was pretty incredible, the way someone can be so accepting is just..out of this world. For once I felt like things were falling into place, something I thought would never ever happen to me considering I was always the one who would help everyone else when it came to their relationships but no one knew how to help me and I didn't even know how to help myself.
But either way honestly it was a great night I ended up getting a type of pasta or spaghetti I guess, I am not sure which, but it was absolutely incredible. Om nom nom. Sorry, had to do that. Needless to say we had dinner and talked alot to eachother, Donna asked me questions about work, about me in general etc. Alyssa's Gramma kept cracking jokes and talking about stuff that was referring to work plus we kinda..picked on Alyssa..a little bit. Haha! But still we gave her a birthday dinner to remember that's for sure. Although it was definitely funny when it came to the girls singing happy birthday to Alyssa in Italian haha.
Alyssa was completely clueless, and what she said afterwards was completely priceless! Alyssa ended up asking "What does/did that mean?" and we all kinda looked at eachother and laughed and smiled and said they sang happy birthday to you in Italian! Her Gramma then proceeded to throw in something extra by saying "Didn't you recognize the tune they were singing?" LOL! Ohhhh it was so priceless. But nonetheless we all laughed and joked with eachother and of course no ones feelings were hurt, instead it was just laughed off and not taken seriously.
I was so happy though, and it felt so much like a date, it just wasn't an "Official" date lol. However, I can't even fathom or get over how this all started. I can't wrap my head around it. But my heart skips everytime I think about it. Some of you are going to think i'm so weird after this blog, but you know what ITS OK! I ACCEPT THAT, lol. So afterwards I ended up getting a ride from Alyssa & Her Gramma + Donna and I got dropped off at my Sheetz, and let me tell you, wait for it...here we go...Mom forgot about me. So I was stuck at Sheetz for about an hour lol. It's ok though, I didn't mind.
I went in and told Danielle, and Steph about the birthday dinner and they all were really happy to see a smile on my face again. I have to say this smile that I obtained never went away and this is where we get into the deeper parts of all of it. On March 9th, marked the day where Alyssa had come to my house, and I have to say I was surprised she really wanted to. But, it happened, and my goodness I am beyond glad it did. Why? Because I was able to open up to her on a personal level. One thing I did was I had held onto a necklace for the longest time, and I wasn't going to just give it to just anybody. I wanted to give the necklace to someone who was going to really love it and also someone who I would hope I could be with long term and I feel like I made the right decision in fact, I know I did.
So to get into that all, we both basically watched half of the movie "If I Stay" and it was an amazing time. Alyssa kept getting confused though cause they would go back to this point or forward to another point and such, but its okay! One thing she said to me was "You know you're the first guy I know of that actually watches Chick Flicks." and thinking of it now, I always love movies that are based around Romance, or Suspense/Romance. If I can cry over a movie, then that just shows me how wrong I have been about how I don't think I can cry anymore, because for the longest time I felt as if I lost that emotion. But the truth is I didn't and sometimes these movies show me that I can still cry and that I still feel.
So after we were done with that we went downstairs and ate some dinner, to which Alyssa said she was still hungry and to be honest so was I. Thus we ended up buying a Big Daddy Pizza from Foxes and oh lala, it was amazing. However, one thing Alyssa did was she snagged food from me when it came to my Cheeseburger Mac. Plus, she let shadow eat some of my ice cream too that we had later on in the night lol!!! However, after we ate pizza my Mom and Ed had to go out to a Firehall Meeting which left Ally and I there. It gave us time to really connect on a personal level and just talk about things it didn't have to be anything specific but rather whatever we felt like saying.
Thats when I said that I had forgot something and ran upstairs into the spare bedroom and grabbed the Necklace, which is why she hadn't seen it anytime before that. But afterwards I ran back downstairs and kinda kept it hidden, and hesitated to pull it out of my pocket. I thought to myself "What if she like flips and is like what?! Why!? or something" I honestly thought she was going to reject it, but she definitely didn't. So all the while she was using me as a leg rest, she ended up sitting up and honestly I at first didn't realize why she sat up, but then I quickly figured it out. I took the necklace and put it on her and I have to say that moment I had the biggest smile on my face ever.
It was one of the best feelings and moments ever and I will not forget that at any given point in time. So we continued talking but also watching TV as well, and just generally enjoying eachothers company and honestly I wouldn't have traded that day for a single thing. Especially when I saw the snapchat she posted and it showed her wearing the necklace saying "I'm never taking this off". That made me feel so good and so happy and that things are finally working out. Relief had finally begun to settle in.
So unfortunately the night ended, it was indeed getting late, but Ally's cousin Amanda came out and got her and off they went. I said my goodnights and all that good stuff, and said herrow to Amanda and needless to say I can just sum that night up as Perfect. Everything fell into place, and even before all that, things were falling into place. Also I failed to mention but my dog Shadow, absolutely loves Ally. Falling asleep in her arms so many times, this dog..he is a cuddle bug haha.
Zeb Leon Clark
March 11 at 2:25am · Cherryhill Township, Indiana County, Pennsylvania ·
So I'm sitting here with 10 minutes left on my break, and I'm kinda lost in thought. Sad right? Wrong! So I have said that nothing will get in the way of me being happy and honestly to those I said it to I meant it. I am happy to say I have smiling, laughing, and enjoying life for...2 or 3 weeks now.
I had been dealing with sad depressive thoughts and losing myself in all of it and crazily enough thinking the worst in everything. But..sometimes all it takes is someone or something.
Now have I had it rougher than most? Maybe. Have I had it the roughest? Definitely not. But one thing is I didn't give up, I rooted out some of the bad if not 80% of it and tossed it out.
Spring is dawning on me and p be honest this opens up a lot of growth room. I wanted to wait till winter admittedly before I started driving and that's exactly what's going to happen. Nervous? Good lord yes. But it needs to happen.
There's a lot more to all of this so when I wake up in the morning or afternoon I'll write a blog on my website and all the details will be in it. Ciao! Back to work with my crazy self.
So when I wrote this status at work, I thought to myself, what can I say? Without coming off as if I am still upset, because to be honest I wanted to show just how happy and motivated I felt. The truth is in anyones life, sometimes all it takes is one thing, one event, one person, to really make you see where you need to go in life, and who cares about you the most. Unexpectedly at this point it was Ally. As I said earlier I am blessed to even have this chance as far as being with her goes. I am blessed in general to have had her as a friend from the start though.
The point is I wanted to be a better person, I wanted to do the right things and not the stupid things and putzing around like I had been for so long. I let myself go, I really really did. I'm not proud of it, and I am not proud of the poor progression I made over the last few years. But we all make mistakes, we all are humans, and right now, I am working to improve all of that. I will prove that I can be the better me. I promise. But, nonetheless its all a work in progress, and honestly I know the top 3 spots I am going to go to practice driving mostly, and the Mall is one, but also Penns Manor because their parking lots are pretty practice worthy.
But first I just need to focus on getting the Permit and working my way through all that. Which I am going to! But by March 11th, I was poised to strike and make sure I solidified my goals and where I wanted to go with my life. I knew at this point sooner or later I was going to be asking Ally on an official date. I was officially going to ask her out, and hopefully see everything turning out to be a big success. However, it didn't happen on March 11th, instead on March 12th I had asked her if she was willing to go out on a date with me to Dinner & A Movie and it couldn't have been better timing as far as the movie went. Cinderella was playing afterall!!!
Needless to say that night her and I had been texting and I can't remember what I said but she said "Well why wait till sunday? :P" and thus I ended up asking her to be mine right after, and to which she said Uhm...duh, Yes :P! Just another moment that I won't ever forget to be completely honest. Needless to say I became so excited and whatnot and work that night went pretty fast, I was bursting with happiness and joy. Needless to say we also made it official on Facebook and to be honest, I couldn't have asked for a better moment in seeing my phone blow up the way it did. I was happy with what people wrote, and I was surprised by the amount of likes that we got for the Timeline Event.
Needless to say that night I realized what was in front of me the entire time, since late August/Early September. I had to take that leap of faith and make sure that this was right, that everything felt okay, and that honestly eventually I would be okay. Ally has done nothing but show me how strong I can and made me realize I am a better person than I originally felt and thought that I was. I couldn't ask for more than that, but the fact that I am in a relationship with her makes it all better too. But since we got into the relationship and made it all open and official and such, I have spent so much time with her and I always am left at the end of the night waiting for the next time I see her, hug her, etc. It's a constant rush of excitement and just love.
We've spent countless breaks of her together, we have spent countless hours together at my house or at the mall or somewhere period end of story, doesn't matter where. I couldn't ask for more than what I have right now, and things are only getting better day by day. Needless to say I fell pretty hard for an amazing girl, and although I still have one fear at least, she always knows how to put it to rest and she doesn't get irritated about it either. No matter what I am always smiling or laughing when I am with her or talking to her through texts or facetime/phone calls. It doesn't matter what it is. She just knows how to keep me happy. Often times though I leave her completely speechless with the novels I write at night or throughout our conversations during the day.
Needless to say I am always looking forward to how Ally & I progress together and I honestly feel like it's going to be a crazy crazy crazzzzzzzy ride. I'm okay with that though cause I am stuck in it haha. I don't want out of it anyways, and that's something that means the most to me. One of the biggest things is I can finally just be myself with her and not have to worry about anything whereas anytime beforehand with anyone I couldn't really be myself. I always had some sort of control put on me whereas now..I really don't. Honesty, Faithfulness, Trust, and Belief go a long way. I am happy to say that I am Ally's. I couldn't be happier with my life currently.
I know things won't always be peaches and cream but, I honestly feel as though Ally and I have good heads on our shoulders and we know we can get through loopholes and over hurdles that get in the way. The fact is we both work together and we get through things, and honestly this past night was a hurdle I faced, a fear that I have and that I am not used to is the fact that I didn't think or feel that I was capable of being able to love or make someone happy the way that Ally tell's me I am doing. She reassured me that she was happy with me and that everything was okay and that she was more or less okay as well.
It wasn't like one of those moments where someone says to their other half "I'm fine" or "It's okay" or "Don't worry, everythings alright" it was an answer and it stuck and it was to be believed and trusted. Needless to say I guess what started it was that fear, but the fact that I was crying at work made me feel so bad, I didn't try to cause a scene or anything but I just needed to let it out. It's so hard sometimes to fight off fear, but at the end of the day I can't let what's in my head ruin what is in my heart, my heart is what keeps me going, and my heart belongs to someone who is true, and real most importantly.
But to wrap al of this up, I guess ultimately, I am happier than I have been in a long time. The feelings I feel and the motions I have been running through, I wouldn't trade them for the world. So, do I do a personal note in this blog to Ally or not? YES! That isn't even a question! I have to!
Ally, Alyssa, whichever you prefer, I just kinda love calling you Ally because..well..it just fits and sticks. You have maybe some kinda clue as to how happy you've made me. It's not everyday I can say someone like you walks into my life, because honestly if I did, that would be a lie. Because one thing I know for sure is there is no one who is just like you, no one. I know a long time ago I told you that you would find someone here, that would treat you well and do the right thing when it came down to being with you and being there for you. I never expected it would be me though. I honestly didn't because I felt as though I had already blown that chance out of the water.
But the fact that you opened up and let me in and gave me that 2nd chance, means alot to me. I know we're making progression everytime we're together, or talking in some way shape or form, and it's always amazing to me. You are an absolute joy to be around and full of laughs of smiles each and every single time. I know I signed up for a crazy ride here and to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way. Just remember no matter what I am always there with you in your heart, through pictures, through old messages, etc. You name it.
I know you also have fears and are nervous about this or that, but I am telling you, I too have those same fears, those same hesitations and the same nervous feelings. But I am not going to just disappear without a sound, I would rather be stuck with you than really anyone else at this point. But its up to us to work through it or just take that leap of faith and believe that we have nothing to worry about. Hurting people just isn't what I do, some may look at me and say i'm full of it but I have never intentionally meant to hurt anyone. Not by a longshot.
The fact is, we are at this point and I am believing that we will progress and become stronger than we currently are. You are an amazing woman/girl/lady, whatever you prefer, and you have this uniqueness about you that just grips onto me and says "Boy, you better not ever let her go". I know I often times have trouble explaining things, and I get my words jumbled and my lines criss crossed, but at the end of the day, all I need you to know is you are loved, and you are not ever alone. Certain people will hurt you, certain people will try to break you, but no matter what, I am not one of those people.
I am not one who just sits back and takes advantage and uses an abuses and you know that. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be treated right, and more importantly you deserve to be accepted and loved for who you are, not what you look like or by the things you do. You are who you are, and I wouldn't want that any other way. Just always remember you're never alone, and you don't have to worry about a thing when it comes to me. I am stuck, and that's all there is to it.
Thanks for opening your heart up to me and letting me in, and giving me a shot. You made me realize that it isn't the end for me, or the end of the world for that matter, and that I was just in a huge slump but that I really can be a better person as long as I make strides to do so. Not to mention you've been so supportive as well as far as asking me questions about what I am going to do. No one really ever does that honestly.
But, I hope that I can keep a smile on your face and keep making you laugh as much as I already do and just hope you keep enjoying your time with me. Because honestly I wouldn't want you to be upset or not laughing and not enjoying your time with me, I would be a sad sad panda. Nonetheless, just remember, you're loved, you're cared for, not just by me, but by your family, friends, and also a my mom and I as well as many others you'll meet along the way.
You truly are amazing and simply the best, I love you.
Welp, that wraps this up. Thanks for reading everyone, and until next time!