|Posted on March 11, 2015 at 4:05 PM|
So, HELLO everyone! I know I know I haven't blogged in what seems like forever, but hey what can I say? I've been super busy and mostly lazy lol. Busy & Lazy in the same sentence somehow that just doesn't seem accurate, but eh it happens. So where do I start? How about I start in what all happened in January eh? So as most of you probably already know I haven't had the best track record at work. I feel like over the last 4 years this year has been the worst, and I feel like I have fallen off the bangwagon pretty hard.
I say that with a complete heavy heart and it hurts because, I know that I can do better, and that I can give it my all once again, prove that I am working there for a reason. So for 2 months now I have been doing what I can but its been relentless and it has been very stressful. But who do I have to blame except myself? No one. I go in there, work all night long bust my rearend and that's that. But now its more than that, its more than just bustiing my rearend, its about how much effort I put into making sure I am produciing quality work for my Management team.
Do I try to impress people? No, but I merely try to do my job at the highest level that I can achieve. It's not easy and it makes me sad or very angry when I don't do something right. Often times I feel stupid because of my mistakes and I just look at myself and say man..that person who said I don't deserve my job was right. All I do is mess up and its only going to make me look worse later on down the road. So to catch you up on something extra special that I did as far as work is concerned, I literally overhauled my rotations as far as Peg Candy/Snack Food was concerned. It's almost like I overhauled the whole sales floor in terms of what we sell.
It was brought to my attention that I wasn't doing something right, I argued, I fought back, but I was wrong. Why? Because I didn't realize just how much I messed up. Not until I started pulliing things off the shelves & pegs. Needless to say I was doing a very bad job in my honest opinion. But I could sit here and rag on myself all day about it, but I am not goiing to because I don't need that, and twice as much I need to bring my A-Game again as Steve likes to call it. It's game on and work, is about to get its rearend whipped. So enough about that.
So we move on to the second part of this crazy long blog. So lately I have been rather down and out, always thinking of the worst. Now everyone knows that my former Girlfriend Tasha & I are long done and over with, for what feels like years. But I wanted to dive a little deeper into where I went wrong. So, back in August of last year I met this amazing girl named Alyssa at the mall, and needless to say she was nothiing short of amazing. She is talkative, she understands me, and most of all she accepts who I am and listens to me about basically everything I throw out there.
How many people can you honestly say give a crap to actually sit there and listen to you talk about your problems or stuff that's going on or even personal life stuff? Not many actually will sit by and do it but she has. For some time Alyssa & I had nonstop conversations about random things, important things, and just general things. I have to say the beginning was just amazing. Meeting her was a Blessing or maybe even a miracle within itself. The happiness that I felt and laughter/smiles gained from having a friend like her meant the world to me at the time. But wait..there's more!
So as we were talking I noticed Alyssa & I were getting really close, and it was fast, and then doom kinda struck. Okay doom is probably an overstatement. Either way, we both were getting closer and closer and then one day it just stopped, we both pulled away and I believe it was based off of being afraid. Not afraid of eachother but how close we had gotten over the period of time we were talking. So my story is basically that I got really close to her, and I wasn't sure at first what I was feeling but it became very clear to me, but I didn't react to it. I was afraid of messing up, I was afraid of getting hurt even moreso than before.
But the thing is Alyssa and I connected on many different levels, from things we've been through, thing's we've done and many many other things as well. So it all was set in stone pretty much where it could go and where this path would lead if we both chose to take it. But overall we both were afraid of alot of thiings. So it kind of melted away but was still there in a sense over the coming months. So I had a pretty rough breakdown and I was literally waking up everyday knowing my life around me was crumbling. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone or tell them what was going on with me.
Not my mom, brother, family in general, friends, not even Ally. But when I finally did crash I broke down completely and almost made the stupidest decision of my life and that was letting it go. Letting everything go and saying no..this life isn't worth anything to me anymore, and I mean nothing to anyone. I felt so cold, and so empty, I would wake up crying in the middle of the night questioning myself why am I in this predicament, why am I going through all this crap? Where am I going with my life, and I would answer myself with "No where, you are alone".
For the longest time I had been someone who was so strong and not sensitive to everything. But to be honest after I lost Laila in my life (My daughter), I felt as though everything had been ripped out, my soul, my heart, all of it. Anything that could make me feel happy anything that could make me feel like I meant something. But there was a few people that stood by me through this whole thing. So, I ended up messaging Ally (Alyssa) as I like to call her, and I told her everything that happened.
She told me that wasn't the way to go about any of it, and that she was happy I didn't. That I am still here, and many other things. That's when she and I both admitted to eachother that we both pulled away from eachother because we were getting close and it wasn't that we didn't want to go down that road, but rather we were afraid of it all due to our past relationships (She may not remember the text message conversations that took place). But, the thing is I always knew in the back of my head she was someone special.
So moving on, I started dating and just trying to see if I could do this whole starting over thing. It was harder than I had imagined, I had no clue what to say or what to do in any relationship that I ended up getting into. I felt like a train wreck every single time. What could I do? What should I do? How can I make sure that I don't make the same mistakes that I made in the past? All these things running through my head all at once. It was just insane. So as you can imagine I got hurt, and hurt again, and then again.
So then I fell back into a lower frame of mind again, and started to think the worst in things. Thing's blew up and Alex (My brother, my best friend) that I met years ago did something that I don't think any other friend would've done at that given point in time. That would be contacting my Mother & Brother directly about how he thought I was going to end my life, because of what I had written in a message to him. Probably the longest one I had ever written to him directly. Needless to say the following day I had to convince my mother nothing was going to happen and then my brother called and asked me what was going on and he more or less to sum it up, said I need to get my head on straight and get my life back on track, that I need to get right.
So where could I start? Where did I go, what did I do? I followed what he said and I am slowly making more and more progress everyday to help improve my life. Which leads me to the point where I am now. For 3 weeks tops now, I have been feeling so much better, so much more relief. It feels amazing but for quite a few reasons. Alyssa and I had started talking again and we both messaged eachother with "I miss your face :P" and that's where things started. So we started meeting up again and hanging out and she would have her crazy moments and I would sit back lauugh and just enjoy my time with her. We talked about alot of different things, she told me more about her family and places she'd been and what it was like, and all sorts of things.
But this time around I was more open, and less shy about how I began feeling again. The truth is I never stopped caring about her, and I never stopped thinking about her. I thought to myself, on a certain day to day basis, maybe I am blind and don't see what's in front of me. Truth is I was blind and I didn't see who was right in front of me, who was always trying to be there for me, and was always doing what she could every time she talked to me. All this time the feelings were there, and things started to slowly fall into place. So check out these images to see jsut where it all began.
This is where it all began, and to be honest I couldn't have been happier about how accepting she is of what I do say to her and how it makes her feel even if I don't know the full on amount of how it makes her feel since we haven't really dived too too far into anything. But, needless to say I went up to the mall and she happened to be working and I saw her status asking for someone to come and see her at work. Thus, I showed up and she saw me and thought to herself "Wait, what?!" Because I am just that good at being sneaky ;).
However, so she took a 15 and we hung out for that time and to be completely honest it was pretty amazing. We talked about things and laughed and smiled as we always did and always have. It felt right and everythiing seemed to be slowly but surely falling into place. I couldn't have been happier than I am I now currently knowing how everything has its way of working out and how certain situations lead you to the person that maybe, just maybe you were supposed to be more open to and see as someone more than just that one friend.
So that night I ended up going to church for the first time in years, and to be honest it felt fantastic. But to get into that, I needless to say was nervous because this was the first time I was meeting her 'Gramma' as she likes to call her, I stood corrected when I said that her "Grandma" was pretty awesome haha. Nonetheless it was a good night, and I met some pretty nice people. Including her Gramma's friend Donna who had all sorts of questions and it felt pretty amazing. I felt acceptance for the first time in a long time. I even managed to hit my head off a pew to which Ally's Gramma said "And here I thought Alyssa was the only one who could pull that off".
So it felt pretty amazing to be accepted for who I was in a sense but this was only the beginning. Considering I felt pretty good being next to Alyssa that night. Looking over at her while she swayed to the music while singing was pretty funny but so cute too. I was just beginning to fall all over again, completely. Then before I knew it the night was over and I was sad because that meant that I had to say Ta Ta for now. However, it was a good night and it was definitely fantastic to meet her Gramma considering she is a wonderful person and definitely knows how to crack jokes.
So moving forward a little more, Alyssa and I started talking more, and her cousin Amanda found out what I had been saying to Alyssa and messaged me on facebook, and I won't post the whole thing, but she told me that I really should just ask Alyssa out on a date. I was nervous to even hear that but also in shock in a sense that Amanda even talked to me, considering I had never been messaged by her before or anything. She just kinda randomly added me out of no where, but as usual, I was okay with it. But we all know I am shy around new people haha.
Needless to say I didn't ask anything or much of anything to be completely honest, but my feelings the more Alyssa and I talked just grew stronger and stronger. I started feeling 100% comfortable with everything and meeting up with her just made it even better and easier. It's almost like I knew what to say and when to say things. Which I had been having problems with previously. However, it was so different this time around. So on saturday of this past week, Alyssa & I & Her Gramma + Donna went to Luigi's around where I work and I arrived first.
Not going to lie I felt so awkward walking in alone and being like this "Ah..hi, there's a reservation for 4 people tonight in the name of Marg? I think I got it right" then the gir looked and was like "Yup! You're the first one here, would you like to wait or be seated" so I chose to be seated, and sat there, got a drink, but barely had drank any of it, and I just sat there feeling so awkward cause I was alone haha. This had also been the first time I ever went to Luigi's. But it was so worth it in every way shape and form. There were so many good things that happened that night and ontop of that I got to learn more about both Alyssa's Gramma and her friend Donna as well. So it made for a great night.
Alyssa seemed really happy that I was there, and afterwards I told her I was glad I could go and spend the night with her and her Gramma plus Donna. She was really glad I was able to go as well which meant alot to me and it just spoke to me like a raindrop does to a lake, that ripple effect :). Nonetheless the night was over and I had been dropped off at Sheetz (Where I work) and I thanked everyone for having me and that I hoped to do it again sometime. Wished Ally another happy birthday, and I think that was the 3rd or 4th time I wished it haha. Nonetheless I went into Sheetz and let my mom know she was done and literally 5 minutes later I get a message from her saying she was already back home.
So I was forgotten, I was a sad panda, oh so so so sad. No no, not really but she did eventually come and get me, ITS OKAY, haha. So I got home and my phone had died and I was sad because I wanted to text Ally more, but unfortunately I dun goofed and didn't charge my phone before I left or anything. But, we ended up talking more and Snapchatting eachother which always brightens my day when I see that beautiful face smiling back.
Needless to say it was a good night and it was one to remember for days to come. So, after that I took initiative and asked Alyssa if she wanted to come to my house and such and she at first asked "Are you sure your mother is okay with me coming over?" To which I told her she was. It was a day and night filled with Laughs, smiles, and great memories, and alot of talking. I even got used as a leg rest! Come on what's better? Haha, but seriously it was an amazing time, because leading up to it I had told Ally I had gotten her "things" for her birthday because "reasons".
So in all, I managed to get her a $30 Gift card to walmart, plus, some good smelly Japanese Cherry Blossom stuffs, and also this necklace that I have to admit looks amazing on her. Then again she looks amazing overall anyways ;). That's just my opinion thought, but it kinda stands haha. I also learned that Shadow absolutely lovers her, my pup fell asleep in her arms 4 times I believe, maybe it was more than that, I can't remember. But she had him so worn out it was so funny. But, overall it was the best night I had and I felt really comfortable. But as I always say I don't want to make her feel uncomfy as far as how close I am to her.
But overall the past 2 months have been crazy, I have been down in the dumps, and thrown around like things in a tornado or massive wind storm. one of the two you pick. But I opened my eyes up, looked in front of me, and saw this amazing lady in front of me. One that had been there all along and Alyssa if you're reading this, remember, You are an amazing person, and you have no clue how much fun it is being around you and what a joy it is to have you in my life. Slow and easy wins the race and all I know is, I am really glad I didn't fall away or let go or even back off again, but I am also happy you didn't as well.
I want to really thank Alyssa for everything that she has done and for every smile and laugh that I have had. She really is one of a kind and not a single person can really tell me differently. But, most of all I want to thank those that stuck by me and just laid a hand on me and told me no matter what to never give up and to not leave them. In the end I learned who my real friends are, and I learned what the word "Family" really means. Because without the friends that I do have, the family I do have, and Alyssa...Honestly, I wouldn't have much of anything and I would probably still be going in circles wondering where I am going.
I'm now enjoying life, smiling each day and my new motto is that My life is falling into place, and some spots are still shaky but I am working out the kinks but no one or anything is going to stop me from being happy and a better person through it all. I am really thankful and I can't really explain just how lucky I am either. But I will say this, it's all a step in the right direction and where I end up from here, who knows, but I am willing to find out, and be open to every possibility that gets thrown my way. Time heals everything and new doors begin to open. I have healed, finally, and the new doors are finally open and I am walking through them.
Not knowing where it will lead me but this is the next chapter in my life, and my book hasn't closed yet, I still have many chapters to write. But I am sure that most of you that read my blogs and everything will be there for the ride. I also will try to get more consistent with writing as I do apologize for not writing in 2 months more or less. But, thanks to everyone who does read them and I really really hope this sheds some light on what has been going on in my life.
Thanks for reading!
These are the pictures I was talking about earlier, of what I was saying to Alyssa.