|Posted on December 6, 2014 at 3:05 PM|
So to start this off I would like to honestly say thank you to the following people for everything they've done over the past 2 weeks, My Mother, Kirsten, Alex, Alyssa and Val. These 5 people made such an impact on my life over the past two weeks that I can't believe how crazy the changes have been. So lets start where it all began cause everyone wants to know what happened, and what's really going on!
So the beginning of Thanksgiving week my life was absolutely normal, living day to day and not really smiling and laughing and if I did I was completely faking it because I wasn't really happy with anything going on in my life at that point. I became really null to everything, cocky about how I was doing my job and living my life. I also felt as I failed as father and failed as a person in general and I still questioned what was going to happen to me. Whether I was going to ever be happy and smiling all the time like I used to be.
Alot of people remember me as being a vibrant and bright headed person but someone who knew how he was feeling everyday and that was happy and giddy. I used to have some of the greatest times of my life and often wondered where those days went, and why I was feeling so down and out now. So for 3 years or more I felt like I lost myself, lost everything, and was going to eventually become nothing like my father had said to me multiple times in my past.
So I went on vacation from work and went to Connecticut to spend Thanksgiving up there with family and just try to enjoy myself for a change. The first couple days was a struggle because I felt as though I couldn't be myself or be happy around anyone anymore. Who should deserve to feel that way around FAMILY of all people? No one should end up feeling that way or should've felt that way as long as I did and as empty as I did for as long as I did. However that soon changed a few days later.
See, I was always the person who wanted to reach out to people and never expected anything in return. I always wanted to do right by the people who I loved the most, family, friends, co workers, and whatnot. But I was failing because I lost myself, and I started to think that maybe being Selfless wasn't for me anymore, like it wasn't what I was meant to be anymore. I couldn't give out any advice that would really tug on someones heart strings anymore. I literally lost myself to the void of being empty and hurt and just being in pain because of my past. I relived it almost every single day and that wasn't a way to be living life.
So, a few days into vacation I was on a facebook application called MeetMe and I figured hey why don't I give this another shot and this is where I became so thankful that I did. I ended up meeting someone so incredible and someone so much like me, that I wouldn't have traded the two weeks for anything and I wouldn't have gone back and changed a thing at all. My reasoning behind all of this is because of the kind of person Kirsten is and everything she was able to do for me.
We spent mostly every day texting eachother and basically figuring eachother out and I couldn't believe what was developing whether it was going fast or not, that wasn't even the point. The point was that for once in my life I was so indulged in an ongoing conversation that never truly ended that I was smiling real smiles. I was laughing with passion and I was feeling something so real and pure. I felt like me again, and also like I was ontop of the world and nothing was going to bring me down.
We talked about so many things and asked so many questions to eachother and just spent day after day talking, asking questions, talking on the phone and none of it at this point was a waste and honestly in my heart it never will be a waste cause all of it was worth it to me. How often is it you meet someone that you have so much in common with and have been through alot of the same things and maybe very little that each hasn't been through in the same way. It's not everyday and is in fact once in a lifetime.
I couldn't complain, because there was literally nothing to complain about anymore I was happy it was real it was unique. The way I was feeling and everything I was saying, I meant it all. After some time I had to ask her to go out with me when I got back home and to which she happily agreed and said she would love to see me. At this point I was so excited, but even happier and couldn't stop smiling and feeling this warmth again in my heart. Did I ever think this would happen to me again? No, quite honestly I didn't ever think it would but, it did.
Sometimes there were days where she said something and I overthought it and read into it way too much and I would end up apologizing when she would say its fine, when really it was really fine or ok. She always knew what to say to make me smile if I felt as if I did something wrong and always asured me that I wasn't doing anything wrong at all. So when I got home we planned out that Monday night would be the best time for us to go out and do something, it didn't matter what she said so we went to the movies.
We both initially were really nervous and really scared about everything, and to be honest that wasn't a bad thing at all but as a matter of fact a very good thing. So we're sitting there watching the ads go by and whatnot and I am cracking jokes, and just trying to break through this Shy barrier she had and more or less I was making her laugh and smile which warmed me up to her alot more. So at this point I through my arm around her and just held her and that led into us kissing. I knew at that very moment this was going to be an amazing night and one that I would never forget at any point in time as time progressed.
Being able to feel this way and feel so calm and relaxed and not like I was going to be slapped in the face and walked away from meant the world to me. I felt like a hero in some sort of story who came into someone's life and more or less made them see that they can be loved the right way and feel that they can be happy no matter what and that if they follow their heart they won't be deceived by anything in this world because the heart is as pure as it gets. So we're cuddled up more or less and more and more kisses followed.
I ended up taking her hand at one point and putting it against my heart to show her what I was talking about the previous night about how my heart pounds when I am talking to her and how my heart was pounding and skipping a beat when I was with her. She couldn't help but smile because she knew how real I was and how honest and faithful that I am. But one of the best things was how she rested her head into me and how I could rest mine on hers lightly. How I would look down and just watch her and she'd look up and smile.
Her feeling protected and safe, but not nervous or scared anymore, but also happy and smiling and just enjoying this lovely time meant more to me than I think anyone can honestly realize. The night felt like it lasted longer than what it is, and it felt like we were there all day and night to be completely honest and we were just lost in eachother and just everything we exchanged, kisses, hugs, hand holding, smiles, laughs, all of it made the night into something absolutely amazing.
That is one night I will never forget for the rest of my life, and Kirsten is someone that I will never forget at any point in my life. Even after the movie was over we went outside and she stayed as long as she could with me until she had to go and get home because of a few things. The fact that she did that without even having to ask me meant even more to me as that had never happened to me. A night like that never truly happened to me at any point in my life. I wouldn't trade those moments spent for anything in this entire world. They were priceless and just an unstoppable feeling of happiness.
I may've froze my rearend off standing outside and she may've too but we made a promise to eachother and said "Always" and I said I promise we will work on it, to which she was happy that I agreed to it and we both smiled and hugged and held onto eachother kissed, etc. Everything was so surreal and perfect in that moment that we didn't really want the night to end. Needless to say the night unfortunately did end but that's okay because even more days of texting followed and phone calls at night.
We talked about so many things and there's one thing I did for her that I never thought I could do for anyone ever again and that was impact someones life the way that I did through texting and seeing her and also by saying some of the things that I did say. I won't go into the details of what I said specifically because that is between her and I and its quite personal (Sorry everyone!! :P). However, I told her if she finds a way she can break through my walls and tug on my heart strings the way I ended up doing that to her on the phone one night.
Needless to say she ended up being out of town all day thursday and friday but as always like she said "I always reply back" and that night she did. That morning through I had a hard time because I really wanted to figure out my problem as far as overthinking things went and reading too much into everything and I had a 2 hour talk with my mother about and a facebook fest in a message with my friend Alex and also Val at work about it. But I couldn't figure it out still till my mother made me realize what it was.
All this time I was afraid of being hurt and being stabbed in the back, and deep inside I was still broken but at the same time Kirsten had her roots deep inside my heart and was mending all of that she was making me feel happy and warm and safe. But I overthought things and read into things too much and would apologize which would lead to her saying it really is fine, and that I don't need to apologize for anything because I did nothing wrong.
So she came home and I told her I had some important news and told her what happened that morning and she simply stated she knows and that its okay. Which at that point I accepted it for the fact that it was truly ok and not just her saying "Okay :(" Because that's not even what she meant to be completely honest. She meant when she said it was ok, she meant it when she said I love you Zeb or I love you babe, she meant it all. Honestly I can't say I had ever experienced love in this way or form. Something that was unbreakable hby the seems of it.
That night she told me she had her own bad news and she told me about what was going to happen, at first I was completely heart broken but then I realize she's not doing it because she wants to hurt me but she's doing it because she needs to for her own well being as far as things she has to get done and taken care of. I cried and then she said something that pulled on my heart strings even more, because we didn't want to let it all go and let it be a waste. So we both promised eachother something different, and then I told her to just have fun and enjoy life and let her heart guide her along the way.
But what I didn't say was that if her heart ever led her back to me, I wouldn't hesitate not for one second. My arms would be wide open and I would never pass her by. It's called being faithful, something I learned a long time how to be and how to do it. In time I will find out what happens but needless to say we finished that night not in sadness but on the most positive note we possibly could and honestly I am so thankful for that. Because it made everything we did and said and even the things that we didn't get to do so much more worth it to us.
We both smiled and we both were happy regardless of the outcome, and honestly I feel in our hearts that we didn't want to end things because what happened was completely unexpected. We didn't know it was coming until that morning, well she found out that morning, I didn't find out anything till she was home which either way we didn't find out until that day. The point is, love is a strong word, yes? I knew you guys were agree! However, true love is something that we rarely see anymore in this day and age.
True love doesn't just come and go it stays with us for the rest of our lives, and all I can say is if this relationship in the end is truly meant to work out then God will find a way to bring her back into my "Face to Face" life like he did that one night at the movies. Now I don't usually say much about my religious life but I do truly feel that this was a miracle and a gift to say "Zeb and Kirsten, you both can love again, and be safe while doing so" this was our new chapter and quite honestly it was the best chapter that could've opened and honestly it won't close anytime soon if not at all.
Even now we're still talking and smiling with eachother and laughing as well. The feelings I am pretty sure are still there, at least on my end they are, and they always will be. The impact that she made on my life and the impact I made on her life will live with us for days, months, even years to come. Kirsten made me be able to be confident, believe in myself, love in the purest form and also made me realize I don't have to worry anymore. What else you ask? She opened my eyes to what was in front of me through every word, every text, every phone call, all of it.
This was truly a once in a lifetime experience and I am so glad so so so glad it happened because of everything I felt before, it's gone. Everything that I felt with her and how she made me feel is still here and it will always be here, I don't give up that easily! So Kirsten if you're reading this today, tonight, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, whenever, Just know I love you, and that you truly are an inspiration to me and you changed my life for the best and mended a heart with so many cracks, you pulled my heart strings and got that reaction you had hoped you could get out of me.
You did everything right and nothing wrong, you loved me truly and you cared truly about me, and didn't let me down in any way shape or form. For that I am truly thankful but also for that I will always love you, I will always remember why there's a smile on my face, and why I can be happy without faking it and also why I can just be myself around anyone. You brought out the best in me, and you gave me everything back that I thought I lost or was dead inside.
I don't know how you do the things that you do, but I know one thing is for sure, you made me the happiest guy ever, and did it in the right way and you didn't take shortcuts, you literally worked with me as I worked with you and now you have a huge chunk of my heart that has your name engraved into it. That's something you should never forget, nor anything that I wrote either. I mean every word in this blog to you faithfully. I tried to keep it as discreet as possible without releasing everything.
Just remember this, I love you, and this isn't goodbye this is only See you later, and we're still going to talk and be the best that we can be, Kirsten.
Thanks to everyone who read this, and thanks most importantly to Kirsten with much much much love,