This is mostly where I will post about my everyday happenings whether it has to do with Family, Friends, Gaming, My Dog, or how I fall upstairs and whatnot, who knows, but you guys are all in for a treat!
Clouded Judgement, Blind Eyes, This is what's wrong in my life
|Posted on October 20, 2014 at 11:55 PM||comments ()|
Okay first of all their is five things that I need to touch on so I will be breaking this blog down little by little so it makes it a wee bit easier to read/understand what led to the next, etc. Family, Friends, Love, Fears, and the worst of them all Suicide. So lets get started with the first one.
Family hasn't always been an easy subject for me to talk about since there's been so many ups and downs when it came down to the nitty gritty. But we'll start with my intermediate family. My mom is basically my rock and has always been there for me through so many things and was always the one who would hug me and tell me no matter what, it's going to all be alright. I can remember one time where I was in public school and I didn't even want a fight to break out but it ended up happening anyways. I came back from lunch and was headed to my next class, and behind a blind sided pillar was someone poised to strike.
Did I know he was there? No because it was almost a perfect initiate spot to basically ambush someone as they're walking by. This kid literally grabbed ahold of me knocked all my books out of my hands, slammed me into a locker repeatedly 5-6 times, and started pounding away. Unlike most people I just stood there and took it, crying, hurt. Scared? No, but rather feeling as if I deserved it for how I was for 7 years in public school. It was a matter of time before it caught up to me. So that day when I got home, my mother asked me what was wrong and I told her nothing and she saw all the immediate bruising that took place.
She knew right off the bat what happened and held onto me and told me she would take care of it and she did. I was pulled out of school after my suspension ended and was immediately put into home schooling which was as good as it could get for me. So for those last 7 school years I was doing nothing but work my mother set out in front of me and taught me/helped me through. She protected me from anything that was going to hurt me, people, objects, etc. But it all went terribly wrong last year when she had the worst stroke of her life that almost took her away from me.
Imagine someone who's close to everyone and suddenly all those people pass away in one way or another, how that person felt. I can't describe how I was feeling when I got the phone call and walked into the hospital room when my mother was practically holding on so tight. She could barely see me as it was as if she was temporarily blind due to the water and burning in her eyes. She was paralyzed on her right side entirely for at least a day or two. The one thing I did though is I held onto her hand and everytime I told her that I loved her and that she would make it through, her heart monitor would race rapidly. Instead of steady beats, it'd be rapid beats.
I knew in this moment I had to stay strong although underneath it all I was broken, shattered, crushed, all of thee above. I finally gave back once in my life to my mother what she's done for me my entire life. Needless to say after 2-3 days of hard and punishing work she managed to be on her feet, talking, no tubes no IV's nothing. I was there everyday for her. I needed to be that strong person for her since I knew my father wasn't going to be and that her boyfriend could never be.
So we rewind back to my younger years and dealing with my father, who was a consistent every night drunk. Drinking was all he cared about and smoking as well when he was actually smoking. Funny, like father like son as far as smoking goes. I had very few good times with him more bad than anything else. A good time was me as a tubby baby sitting on his lap watching him play the very first Zelda on NES. That was a good time in my personal opinion. However, I was ripped away from all my mothers side of the family through his selfish decision making.
My parents couldn't keep up with the bills in Connecticut and inevitably we were forced to move to Pennsylvania where I guess I started a new life. It wasn't what I wanted, and surely wasn't what my mother wanted since her mother was already older than most of our families combined. So we lived on Morris Street at one point in Clymer, Pennsylvania, it was a quiet town but full of kids and whatnot, so I guess in a sense I fit right in since I was 6 at the time. Wrong, I didn't fit in at all.
I came home from school one day and my brother James was making lunch for me and him and we were having those "Cup of Noodle" things, and I couldn't finish mine. Jim ended up saying its fine i'll wrap it up and put it in the fridge and you can finish it later when you're not so full. But my father wasn't having any of that decision. Instead when jim went upstairs, I followed, and my dad stopped me and said that if I didn't finish my food he was going to take off his belt and beat me with it.
So not knowing what to do I just reacted with, "I can't eat anymore daddy, I am full, and if I eat anymore I am going to get sick, I am sorry if that disappoints you but I can't finish it right now." Of course that answer was a bad answer in his mind and sure enough he did take that belt off and swung it once to get me scared so I would run upstairs. While I did run upstairs I was crying and Jim had no clue what was happening or what was coming. So we were sitting there, Jim playing Final Fantasy, and me watching as usual.
Dad came up with a metal, yes metal, not aluminum handle fly swatter, and literally beat Jim first and I couldn't do anything to stop him. I would've been overpowered and worst would've happened to me if I interfered. So then came my time, my ass end got beat to the point where I could barely sit in once place for more than thirty to fourty five seconds. I had marks all over it, and all the while it was happening I could keep seeing Jim say Zeb, and that he wanted to stop it.
Fact is he was just as helpless as I was watching, and that's the first time I ever saw my brother cry tears of regret. Regret that he wasn't strong enough to stop our dad from being ruthless and showing this kind of aggression. The point is, my brother was beat for the fact that I didn't finish my food. I was just as hurt as he was and for what? Over a cup of noodles, because that makes sense. At least it did to my dad at that given moment in time. Do I hate my father? Yes I may say that, but I don't actually hate him, I hate who he's been and what he's done.
My mother had to carry me through my entire life because he wasn't there enough to give me that "Man to Man Backbone" that most fathers would. Which is the saddest thing of all, feeling the way I felt growing up wondering why I didn't receive the fatherly love that I saw so many other kids get. Questioning what was really going on and why it kept happening to me day after day after day. But my brother made up for it in every way that he could possible as well as my mother.
Jim and I have had a roller coaster relationship as well, but he is my brother and what do brothers always do? They fight and argue but make up in the end of it all. I lived with Jim for 19 years of my life before I chose to leave my dad behind, after my brother more or less told me to leave that house and be with mom where I wouldn't have to deal with the stress or the drama. In a sense him telling me that I need to protect myself, before all that began to corrupt who I was developing myself to be.
My mom had left home and sought out living on her own because she was tired of dealing with my dad being drunk all the time and wanting to treat her like complete garbage and us boys as well. It was hard to live at home without her because without her while Jim would go to work, I had no one to run to if I had a problem or needed advice. It was just horrible to be woken up every morning between 7:30-8a everyday because someone couldn't stop whining over a mess that he created.
Jim and I always have had a good relationship since the moving, but before all that we had a rocky relationship. Somedays it'd be like we hated eachother so much, other days its like we loved eachother and genuinely cared so much about eachother. Although there was one given time where I was so upset, and it was consuming me and my mother wasn't home, and dad wasn't much of a listener, I came out of the bedroom and Jim asked me what was wrong, and I told him I was stressed.
His response was pretty clear cut, "Take your stress and shove it up your ass" because he didn't believe that I was experiencing stress or even depression at this point. He didn't know all the details and spoke out without thinking about asking me what was wrong. Of course it hurt me more than alot of things usually would and so I walked away crying because at that point I had no one or so it felt as if I didn't. But Jim and I made up for it in so many different ways.
To be honest I never expected he would want me in his wedding but he had me in it and it was an amazingly good time. I can't explain how happy I was and for once I felt like I was part of something motivating something loving, something that mattered to so many people and I was. Even though I was supposed to be there with my Fiance, and little baby girl Laila, they chose to do something otherwise and plant excuses to use to get out of going since my family supposevely hated Tasha which wasn't true at all.
But in the midst of a dance with Lindsey (Jim's wife), She said well "Fuck her" you don't need the excuses and problems, so just have a good time and enjoy yourself no matter what, it's what you deserve after all. So I went on more or less the entire night drinking here and there, and dancing and enjoying my time with the other people and kids that were there. It was a blast, and that is just one of the times where Jim and I actually proved how far we'd come in our brotherly relationship.
Quote: "The family is one of nature's masterpieces." - George Santayana
I have had a boatload of friends come and go and the list seems to only be getting longer these days, because I am too "quiet" or too "independant" or too "Locked up inside and outside". But that's not the point, I wanted to pinpoint a few friends spanning back as far as 15 years ago and hit a few subjects and what these friends specificially have done for me.
So there's a friend I have and I have known him for what seems like my entire life. Alex has always been a stronghold in my life, no matter what happened I could talk to him about anything and everything it didn't matter what it was about, who it was about, or what I had done. He didn't sit there and bash me but rather listened and gave it his all when he would give me advice where it was needed. I can't say enough about this kid hearted, adult type person because he still to this day has only hurt me once.
We met on a game called Diablo II a long while back and it was just the best thing that could've happened to me at the time due to all the struggle and pain I was going through with my home life, school, and whatever else was in my way. I can recall one moment where we were discussing the possibility of Diablo III actually being a thing and coming out at some point or another. I was told consistently that I was full of it and that it wouldn't ever happen and low and behold Alex included they were all wrong about it.
However we had alot of moments outside of gaming where we could talk on the phone and basically swap problems and discuss them and get through them without actually playing a game together. But through every bad time he was there, granted there came a time where we had a fallout not so much because of eachother but more because of his Ex at the given time. She was controlling and so many other things. She felt as though he was spending more time on a game than actually with her.
Which honestly was never the case at all, in fact he spent time with her even while we were gaming because there would be times where she wanted him to be in bed with her till she fell asleep and he'd go and I wouldn't mind it at all. But when he started working that's where things took a turn for the worst. He ended up going and working and then spending time with her and it felt like I was all but forgotten. He literally said he'd be on the next day and never showed up, and that's where it all began.
For literally a year or two he never came back online on anything and I began to question where he had went or if anything happened to him. But, somehow he managed to get into contact with me again and we mended all of that. Thing's are stronger now than they were back then. But the point is, true friends will do whatever they can to make sure that you know they care about you and love you as a brother or sister or whatever. Whatever it takes they'll do it and that is what means the world to me when it comes to Alex.
Needless to say Alex is one of those friends that has hit the pinnacle high when it comes to being a friend of mine but more of a brother in every which way you choose to look at it. For that I will never be able to repay or be thankful for enough as it stands. At this point no one beats everything he's done for me and that's not an insult to others because others could proceed and rise even further than he has, it depends on what you choose to do and how you say things and how you impact my life.
There's another friend of mind that comes to mind and that's none other than Adam, I have known him since Season 1 in League of Legends and it's been a long long roller coaster ride with him full of emotion and some of disappointment. We have had alot of ups and downs and one particular time I can remember is basically how he could get so mad so easily in our games and disrupt everyone. He had a bad bad bad mindset.
That mindset consumed him and turned him into someone with an inflated ego that would in the end inevitably make me decide why I was friends with him in the first place. But I soon let him know about all the things that I was thinking, "Why do you think you're the pro and never make mistakes", "You might be a great Nasus player in League of Legends, but that alone isn't going to carry you every game" those are two quotes from a phone call I placed to him 3 years ago when we went through the problems.
The fact is we ended up working that out and probably had some of the best games of our lives from that point forward to be honest. He has been there for me and has always said that if I needed someone to talk to he'd be there. Granted there've been times where he hasn't been when he said he would be but I always had other people to pick me up when he wasn't around. But the point is he's been around the block with me even outside the "Online world" or "Gaming".
He's been there for me through alot of what was going on with Tasha and always telling me I deserve better than what and how I was being treated. Through all the drama and all the crap that was going on in my life and being thrown at me repeatedly. He would always say things like "You're like a brother to me, or the best friend that I have" although there's times where I have questioned both of those very things. But, I think we both have established those two things in stone when it comes down to the end of the day.
Now there's one person that I ultimately think is the biggest underdog in all of this as alot of my online friends don't know her, and that's Bethanie. I can't say enough about how hard this girl tries to make me smile everyday she see's me or texts me. She gives it her all and she gives it everything she has got no matter what time of the day it is. Whether its morning, afternoon, evening, night, early morning. She does everything that she can to make me happy.
Something I remember her saying to me was that I deserved to see Laila and honestly what usually would upset me made me smile for once in my life. She cared more about me than most people face to face do to be completely honest. But she was always there for me throughout all of those issues I faced with Tasha and Laila but also issues going on at home. But the best thing is that I was able to return the favor while trying to help her out with her life.
She's done things in her life that honestly i would never think of doing since I am not like most people. But the point is I always tried to make an impact on her life in the best ways possible and that never has stopped and it won't anytime soon. She has always picked me up when I stopped believing that I could fall in love again and have a successful relationship with someone or even having a good friendship with people who I never would expect to like me but turns out some of them did.
She is my little sister and despite the losses that both her and I shared, we are strong as a unit and that unit turns into something beyond what we can comprehend when we're on fire and ready to go and get things done the way they need to be done. Whether that means going to the Races by complete surprise, or working hard to get everything done whether its her helping me or me helping her, or even family related issues friends included. We stand by eachothers side and its almost an inseperable bond that her and I share.
That is one thing out of the many that I will always cherish and be thankful to be able to receive from this lady here that is Bethanie. She's one in a million and I couldn't be thankful enough that she walked into my life and tripwired the impact trap and has done as much as she has for me. No one can replace my little sister, and no one can break that bond only us.
Quote: "One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood." - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Love has always been something hard for me to control let alone give out to people. I have always been that type of guy that sits in the back and he's just sitting there waiting and waiting. To be much more clear, I am that shy guy that you all know. So lets rewind a little and dive deep into my past. When I was 7 or 8 years old, I met Tasha and that's where this love story began. She was like my best friend at the time we could hold hands and skip down the sidewalk at the Salvation Army after church was done and over with.
We talked about all our school, family, friend, drama, related crap and it seemed as if we were just a perfect fit for eachother, so spring ahead to where it all began, I was 12 and she was 13. We both began our teenage puppy love "Dating" at the given time and would always be cute and sneak into the church and would go right upstairs while waiting for our sunday school teacher to show up and start the class. But while we were up there we would do the typical teenage thing, and kiss and hold eachother, but it never went any further than that at any point in time.
But the worst thing of it all is that the relationship was an entire secret, not that I wanted it to be but it was to be completely honest. That's where everything went wrong. Once her Aunt found out it turned into a complete flop, and I had no clue what we were going to do because soone enough our Pastor found out about it and blew it all up in our faces. Tasha and I were up on the stage in the church rehearsing a duo for a song we were working on and our Pastor sat down and started talking to us.
Then BAM out of no where our relationship got brough up and I was told by our pastor "If I could slap you Zeb in the face, I would for how disgraceful you are being to our religion and the fact that you think secracy is best suite for this relationship that you know you don't have" I instantly looked over at Tasha and said you didn't did you? To which she replied with a lie "No I didn't tell anyone about us" and I got up and said you "You lied to me, that's all I needed to know." and got up and walked away.
I literally walked outside and up the street a little bit because I knew inevitably this was the end of the relationship. How did I know? Because once her parents found out it flared up into something unstoppable and became a disaster. Not only for me and my heart, but for my mentality growing up from that day onward. Now if we fast forward to the summer of 2008 that's where it all started again.
I was working at camp and mentoring to kids our religion and basically guiding them and planting "seeds" of God in them. To be honest it was an amazing job to have and the most influental job that I think I could ever have cause I learned more from the kids about myself than the kids learned about what we were actually teaching which is a silly thing to be called good but it was. So after the first couple weeks, we got a huge well needed weekend break.
This break led to me going back home to work at Bible School at the church where I felt so unsure of everything. I walked to the back room where we stored all the crafting materials and everything and she was there. She had no clue I was coming and had no clue I was even back home. I grabbed onto her and she jumped and spun around and I kissed her and felt every spark fly and every connection there. I saw our past flash, and I more or less began a relationship there without even asking.
Unfortunately after an hour of explaining how camp was and how work was going and that I inevitably had to go back after the weekend, she was broken. She didn't want me to go back but I didn't have the choice to be completely honest. So I went back and it was me being faithful that got me through, but low and behold when I got back I didn't know what I was going to be getting myself into. So after the final week of camp I was headed home for good to finish up my summer with Bible School, more kids, a new relationship.
However when I got back I found out she had been making moves on brother and not me and was wanting him over me. So that created a rift between Jim and I. Which she had done in the past as well too. So I was of course angry and upset at the time and had no real words for it. We were downstairs after the last night of VBS and that's where it all flared up into something I wasn't expecting to have to do all over again. She was getting ready to leave for her first Tattoo.
I didn't say anything I held back, and then when we finish breaking down and cleaning and whatnot I chose to call her as I stepped outside. I told her that she'd been lying to me the entire time and I knew everything that happened cause Jim told me everything, filled me in on things. To which I left the voicemail "I hope you've been having a great time messing around with Jim while I was gone, I held my end of the bargain up, where was yours? With someone else, you're dead to me."
She called me repeatedly nonstop five minutes later, and I kept closing my phone and hanging uptill I did actually pick up and said "Forget it, and leave me alone". She had no clue what to say or do in that moment at all. But by the end of the night I was willing to forgive and forget it all myself, and I prayed a heavy hearted prayer over the phone with her and that made things a bit more smooth. I told her the five things that I wanted, and that was Love, Truth, Trust, Honor and Respect for both of us in the relationship.
For a year or so everything went smooth, and I inevitably betrayed my religion and had sex outside of marriage, not something I am entirely proud of and never will be. But we did multiple times, but fast foward to march of 2009, we found out that Tasha was pregnant with Laila, my first and only child. I was so happy and filled with joy that I couldn't keep myself together long enough without bursting with excitement. But that once again is where everything turned inevitably wrong.
Somewhere in the mix we lost what I prayed for that night in the summer of 2008 and it didn't matter to Tash anymore and all that mattered was Laila and Her, I was out of the picture for a long time and I knew it and had it figured out for awhile. Needless to say things were ruined and I lost my chances of ever being the father to Laila that my father couldn't be to me but still could be if he stepped up and manned up which goes for me as well. But court isn't my thing and it never will be.
Needless to say I lost the love of my life, but found out it was nothing but lies and deceit and pain and hurt. Something I didn't want to ever go through again or deal with again but I did and I had only myself to blame for all the arguments and problems we faced day after day. If I could ever go back, I wouldn't have made those mistakes and maybe I would be happy and married right now the way we pictured it from the start. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be.
I at one point thought that I had a second daughter in the mix named Morgan but I was sadly mistaken as I found out that she'd be sneaking around when I moved out of Indiana, Pennsylvania. I found out that Morgan wasn't mine and that rather she was the daughter of the guy she is currently dating and had been dating since I moved. So this proved to me I was nothing but a semen donor at this point. That's what I was being called by alot of people including from her family.
I was at any all time low and had no way to deal with it. I felt as though i had no one at all, and nothing at all. My heart was ripped out, disected, and the pieces were crushed with no way to put them back together. But then Bethanie, Alex, Dan, and Adam and so many others rose to the occasion and stepped up and fixed the brokeness and replaced my old heart with a new one. I unexpectedly pulled out of the depression I fell into and started eating more regularly and started doing what I loved doing, again.
To this day I still don't see my daughter Laila, but that's fine because in time either 2 things will happened, 1 she'll either find out the truth about how her mother and family screwed me royally or 2 She'll end up hating me for all the time I missed and didn't get the chance to spend with her. All I know is that at the end of everyday I look at a picture of her and kiss that picture, look to the sky and say "God please send a message to her so she knows that her father is out there and loves her."
Quote: "Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' - Erich Fromm"
Throughout my life I have had alot of fears and some of passed and some have stuck with me throughout my entire journey through life, and honestly somedays I wish some of the ones that remain would go away and never haunt me again. But I know that won't happen till I overcome them and prove that these fears, are just that, fears. But it's so hard sometimes, knowing how much you're truly afraid of so lets get into this with my top 3 fears.
Death has always been a fear that I have struggled with throughout many instances of my life. Honestly it started when I was 14 reading a book, and I can't remember what it was but it was a religious book, and it said something about how this kid was struggling to accept his relgion and basically he said "Life after death is a non-existant and cold thing to accept" but later on in the book he accepts everything he believes and more or less changes his entire thought process on death.
Since that day of reading that line in the book, I have been terrified to die, because I was raised in Christianity and always told that after I die I would be able to rejoice with family that passed on and went to heaven and see them again and live eternally. But even to this day I still question what happens really after someone passes on. Is it wrong of me to question what's written in the bible? I don't believe it is, but I do believe others look at me and say I am not a real Christian because I do question these things.
Another fear that I struggle with is Loss, when my mother had her stroke a year ago, I literally had no clue what to do or say except that I loved her and to calm down and stay strong and that she would make it through. But, what if it was different and I would've lost her? I wouldn't have had a place to live, food to eat, or anything ultimately. I would've lost everything but more importantly I would've lost the person who loved me most in my entire life and that's my own mother. One half of the two that created me and to be honest it kills me to think of that.
But, the point is, I don't do well with the loss of family, friends, or animals. I will even go as far to say that I don't do well with the loss of friends family members. My friend Bethanie lost her mother low and behold a year ago, and it killed me to see how much she was going through, and how hurt she was. I won't go into detail out of respect for her and for her family but it just pained me really bad. I didn't even do well when I found out my grandfather died back in 2009 unexpectedly.
It was hard because we spent so many years fighting and him telling me he hates kids and wishes he never met me and stuff like that. But one thing I will remember is when he changed and it was for the best. He made so many life related changes I can't even begin to explain. But the fact that he said he loved me meant alot more to me than anything else he could've said to me. I felt accepted, I felt loved, and I felt so many things. It was just a shocker when he was in the hospital and then released a few days later with an OK clear and literally died a day later after being home.
Everytime with my grandparents its been a phonecall and I haven't coped well with the losses and I still don't to this day because its never easy to lose the ones that love you the most. Granted there are some parents, grandparents, and people in general who could care less about family related things and people. But I am not one of those people, I am me, and me is I.
Regret is a fear that I have, some of you may wonder how regret is a fear? For me its a fear when I actually begin to regret something when really I should be living my life without regrets. The one regret that I have is the one of not being more family oriented when I was younger, and how many moments I missed out with friends and family because of my foolish choices to choose girls and going out and playing games. I lied, there's one more thing that I regret, and that's not being the best father that I could be to Laila that I should've been despite the issues that I had with her mother, despite all the problems I had elsewhere. She should've been my prority all along.
But the biggest regret of all, is being able to regret things that I can't fix or change now.
Quote: "Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones. - Thich Nhat Hanh"
This is by far going to be the hardest thing I ever talk about in my life. Why? Because, it is straight up something I have tried doing in the past multiple times. Something that I hate, something that creates all the elements of why I am writing this and puts them all into play and amplifies them all by 100x. Suicide is something that I can't say I have struggled with all my life, but I can say that if I include the friends who've tried doing it as well. But, that's besides the point.
Lately with everything that I have been going through I somewhere in the midst of it all lost sight of who I was, lost grasp of what I was doing with my life and soon lost everything because my eyes were shrouded by darkness, as if I was blind. There hasn't been a day that goes by where I don't cry once, or get angry or fake a laugh or smile at someone and it doesn't matter who it is. I'm dealing with alot of things and this is where it starts. My mom and I after I explained a million times are like connected at the hip all the way down after her stroke. Well, we were talking alot after everything and for a few months afterwards.
But somewhere along the line her and I have like stopped talking unless I go downstairs and get something to drink or she comes upstairs, the car rides into work are nothing but complete silence and even when there is a conversation it dies really quick almost as fast a person being shot in the heart. I have no clue where I went wrong or what I am doing wrong or if its the fact that she knows I have a heavy heart and soul right now and doesn't know what to say to me, I have no idea what it is.
I just want to be able to hold conversation and have a good time with her and make her feel like the best mother I can possibly do from that point forward, but all I keep doing is failing day after day after day. I sacrificed alot to make sure she recovered well or as best as she was going to at that point, but it feels like I didn't do enough. I still feel like I am the lesser person out of everyone in her life, like I don't do anything to make up or repay for all the things she's done for me in my life. I have no clue what is wrong and what I can do.
Another thing that was weighing heavy on my heart was the fact of how alone I truly feel each day, I literally will wake up, go downstairs grab a coffee say hello to mom have a little conversation come back upstairs play League of Legends, Maplestory, Diablo III, or something and talk with friends and text sometimes and that's more or less my day. I look around at everyone else getting into relationships, talking about their upcoming weddings and whatnot and I keep reverting back to what I wrote in the "Subject: Love" thing, and it makes me sick. Sick to think that I ruined those things for myself and that maybe I truly am meant to not get married.
Do I want to get married? Yes, I do. Do I want to have more kids? Yes, I do. But when the hell is it ever going to happen? I meet people, we talk almost repetitively everyday, but it never changes, I always get this friendzone bullshit that I am so used to anymore. Is that what my life is going to be about? Meeting girls who eventually get so close to me that I fall so far in love with them that they turn around and love me as a brother or true friend and bam the friendzone strikes? It seems that way, and I feel so alone continously.
People ask me if Self Confidence might be an issue but that's not an issue I believe in myself when I am given a reason to, otherwise I don't care. If people told me to jump off a bridge and that I would live, do you think I have the confidence to do it just because someone asked me to? No I have the confidence to know that they're full of it and that I am not that stupid. I have confidence in how I look, how I speak and how I act. But the question remains is when is someone going to open me up and experience me for who I really am on the inside? I don't want to keep being alone day after day.
I want to prove that I can love again above the levels I have loved before. I want to be married and have the family that I dreamed of having when I was younger. Patience is key they say, but in my mind its just a constantly ticking timebomb that I don't want anymore. But I do realize eventually I am going to have those things, I just have to keep the bomb ticking and when it explodes and all the shrapnel flies and the dust settles in the middle of it all are two people standing together, me and this significant other and without a scratch on us, but love that could move a mountain.
One of the other main things I have been dealing with is myself and this is where the blog turns dark really quick. My mind is in many different places when the truth its it needs to be in one place. Focusing on building myself up, focusing on improving my life, and focusing on taking better care of myself. The unfortunate thing is that I have begun to forget how to do those things because of my past sneaking up on me and taking a chunk out of my assend.
I have thought so long and hard about being happy and how to get that, I have no clue how to, but there's more to why I kept all this from you guys and gals, there's a reason and that was to protect you from what could've happened a week ago from today. It started when I went into work, and I was having a rough day as it was and I at that point even still felt I had no one to talk to. But, I went in grabbed my cardboard and whatever else, and I took it outside, lit up a cigarrette and smoked it.
After that I felt really dizzy, and had to hold on tight to the cart to actually walk, I sat down outside, and started to wonder what was wrong, and started having flashes of past moments and whatnot, but no pain at all. I cried a little bit, didn't know what to think or what was going on with me at all. I was scared for the first time in a long time I was truly scared of what was going on inside me and how all this bottled up bullshit was truly going to smash me in the face one day, and that day was Monday, October 13th, 2014.
So of course I went about my business and got my work done after pulling myself together and putting back on that face that people seem to think is this happy face and be joyful version of me. But then something happened and I don't remember specifically what but, I went outside sat down on the Oil & Windshield Washer Fluid Rack and began smoking again, and proceeded to open up snapchat. I remember specifically sending out two snaps without a single response.
"These thoughts in my head, I can't keep fighting them" Literally an hour later after writing that and posting them to my story, I didn't even realize what I had written till I went back and read it, and I said to myself as I began to shake while eating lunch and cry what is going on with me? What is wrong with me? Why is this happening to me? So after all of that I finished my night at work, and no one really asked me what was wrong or going on with me, and I left. I got home and sat down in my chair, and just looked at my screen and just stared, blank.
So I got up and went to bed, as it seemed as if I wasn't going to be doing anything or that I was completely lifeless. I laid down, didn't have a dream, and woke up around 3:30. I laid in bed for half hour and then outburst of tears just came strolling down my face, I didn't know why I was crying and then it hit me, because I felt so useless, so taken advantage of, so broken, so lost, so confused, burned, dazed, hurt, ALONE. That's when disaster struck, and this is where I am going to get judged.
I gave up complete hope on myself, quite honestly on everything I believed in and was ready to let it all go, let everything go and say "Nope, I am done, I can't do this anymore, it's not worth my time or anyone elses." were the words I whispered out of my mouth. Granted my mother wasn't home at the time nor was her friend either, and I rolled onto my stomach, shadow was just looking at me. I laid my head flat in the pillow face first, and grabbed onto the sides of my bed and tried to suffocate myself to death.
I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to get told that I needed help, or that I needed this or that. You can tell someone they need help when its a medical problem, but telling someone who has previously tried to commit suicide in previous years, or even at all is the stupidest and worst thing you can ever do at least for me it is. Honestly this kind of thing has never been easy for me to cope with, but anyways back to what was going on. I started to choke, and I couldn't handle it anymore shadow started barking, I started shaking and I tried to scream out no, and rolled over and inevitably fell on the floor gasping for air.
Honestly I don't know how I overpowered my own mind at that given time but I know one thing is for sure relief has set in for the most part for me. But my heart will always be put first over what my mind wants. My mind is deceiving, and my heart isn't. Others it might be the other way around, but for me its this way. I follow my heart, and it leads me to places that I am capable of doing my best work in. My heart is the strongest utility that I have to utilize no matter what.
So as I am on the floor crying and getting air flowing and getting myself together little by little. I run downstairs immediately and look in the mirror and more or less yell at myself. Saying "How stupid are you? Why would you do this let alone try to again? WHY WHY WHY? Your life is more important to so many others but yet so inimportant to yourself! GET A GRIP ZEB" That's when I walked upstairs got on the computer and started looking for Alex, but he was somewhere else at the given time. Need proof? I can provide that.
[10/13/2014 4:51:17 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: I almost did it today..
[10/13/2014 4:51:32 PM] 2xPain: O_o
[10/13/2014 4:52:28 PM] 2xPain: did what?
[10/13/2014 4:52:33 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: Is alex around?..
[10/13/2014 4:52:37 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: Do you know?
[10/13/2014 4:53:02 PM] 2xPain: i havent heard anything from him since saturday
[10/13/2014 4:53:49 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: And one guess as to what...
[10/13/2014 4:54:42 PM] 2xPain: won ten million dollars
[10/13/2014 4:55:00 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: >.>...
[10/13/2014 4:55:14 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: Have you been following my statuses lately
[10/13/2014 4:55:18 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: How crypitc they are
[10/13/2014 4:55:24 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: Try again
[10/13/2014 4:57:00 PM] 2xPain: quit your job? idk
[10/13/2014 4:58:00 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: Have you forgotten already what I told you 2 or 3 mornings ago?
[10/13/2014 4:58:46 PM] 2xPain: no i havent just avoiding to get your mind off of it
[10/13/2014 5:00:55 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: It's...honestly too far to try and get my mind off it
[10/13/2014 5:00:59 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: All ths time
[10/13/2014 5:01:07 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: I thought I could control it
[10/13/2014 5:01:25 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: But this time around..I was completely wrong about all of it
[10/13/2014 7:07:12 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: >_>;; I hate putting on a front.
[10/13/2014 7:22:49 PM] 2xPain: on a front??? O_o
[10/13/2014 7:22:59 PM] 2xPain: WHAT!?
[10/13/2014 7:23:06 PM] 2xPain: ME NO UNDERSTAND!!
[10/13/2014 7:44:25 PM] Zeb "LeOracle25" Clark: Acting like i'm ok
That's the skype conversation that Kyle and I had that afternoon. Honestly, when Alex came online that made my day fall to pieces but at the same time I knew I had to admit it to him and show him what happened and which I did. He was nothing short of understanding and helped me through it and kept me strong with his own personal admissions. But this is what happened, this is what I have been dealing with, the guilt the secrecy is now yours to know, maybe not what you wanted to know but it is, what it is.
To those of you who are either one going to fly off the handle at me or hate me for this or those that are going to be supportive and not stab me in the back by saying "Oh this kid is crazy and needs all the help in the world." Either way, I am going to say I am sorry for any tears that you guys may cry, for the mistakes that I have consistently made the past month and beyond that. I hate who I have become and I will do whatever it takes to change that all and make this version of me a better version of me.
The best version that I possibly can is by gutting out myself (not literally) and reforming going back to the basics and being guided and treated the way I used to be. Don't be afraid to ask me what's wrong anymore, don't be afraid to ask me what you can do to help, from now on you're going to have an honest answer and not the fake ones that I have covered up with. I love you guys, my friends and my family, you guys are my rock and through this, we will get through it together, you alongside me and me alongside you. I am sorry, I truly am.
Quote: "Every man has the right to risk his own life in order to preserve it. Has it ever been said that a man who throws himself out the window to escape from a fire is guilty of suicide? - Jean-Jacques Rousseau"
Thanks for reading
The Flame [Poem]
|Posted on October 3, 2014 at 7:50 PM||comments ()|
I have been stuck in this state for awhile now
I stand back, I look around, I bow
A suttle breeze blows past me
I realize that it's going right through me
This flame that's in my heart
It begins to go from warm to cold
When did I become so bold, so cold
Has the breeze blown the flame out
Would it reignite if I let out a crying shout
Do I have what it takes to reignite myself
Or am I stuck alone in the dark, full of doubt
What more do I have to lose
I look around in this darkness, for some type of clue
I look to my left and I see my past
I look forward and see the future
Another breeze blows only this time its gentle
I look to my left a flame is ignited
I look in front of me a mirror has appeared
I look to my right but I see no one is near
I glance into this mirror and see myself
I realize this is my present, not my past, not my future
Everything leading up to this point flashes
Almost by the time I blink its over
Another breeze blows and I fall over
The flame goes out, the mirror disappears
Maybe I have been lost and confused all these years
The direction I have taken maybe it wasn't so clear
I hear a crackling noise, echoing through my ears
I turn around and I realize he was always near
Feeling as if I had no one else to turn to
Feeling so alone and cold
He reaches out his hand as if for me to grab it
I reach out and he retracts it
A flame filled ring ignites around us
I know now what the flame really is
He speaks to me and says you are never alone
I am always with you no matter what you are
No matter what you do or the mistakes you made
But I have one question my child
Are you going to reignite your heart
Are you going to finally reignite The Flame?
Sincerely & Thank You w/ Much Love,
The Wind [Poem]
|Posted on October 3, 2014 at 7:50 PM||comments ()|
The wind is around us, even in the smallest breeze it's there.
We get caught up in so many things and think its too much to bare.
It's like being sufffocated cause there's no air.
Sometimes we get so mad we pull at our hair.
But if there's one thing I know for sure.
Love is out there, something everyone seeks like many before.
You see the way I picture the Wind is similar to the way I can picture love.
Love radiates, it is in and out of you and blows past you and through you.
Wind does similar things, that moment when you breathe in as the wind is coming at you.
It goes through you and it also goes around you, past you.
But when you think about it love does something that the wind is incapable of doing.
It creates a rushing heartbeat, it creates more than just feelings.
Something unexplainable, something so soothing.
But let us not forget it has its cruelties as well.
It's like trying to get a perfect ring out of a broken bell.
You can't tell if something is going to go wrong until you get further down that road.
But my story is, my eyes are poised, my heart is beating faster than it has.
This rush, these feelings, what is it? How can I explain it? I can't.
I feel as though I have been cursed, for the past couple years with a sadness that I can't break.
But the truth is, happiness chose to find me, out of curiosity and adventure more or less.
Is this the turn around? Is this the comeback? Maybe so..
But only the future knows and wherever it takes me is where I am going to go.
Just like the wind, people used to tell me to follow where it leads.
I decided I needed to follow my heart, and I fell off the tracks and landed face first into the stones.
But my love, it's never left, and it never will. Just like the wind in the smallest breeze where sometimes you can't feel it but its there.
Usually i don't write much but I am trying to figure everything out. I know it sounds stupid to say, or maybe it doesn't, but when someone can come into your life and make you feel like you're ontop of the world there has to be a reason for it. Explaining how I feel is so many complex layers and I don't know how to. Feeling happy is something I get told I deserve, but in turn I always say that someone who has done as much as me or is as selfless as me, doesn't deserve anything in return. Maybe I am wrong in thinking that, terribly wrong, but who knows.
Maybe I am stupid for feeling loved even if that's not how its meant to be interpreted. But how am I supposed to think when I get this rush of happiness on a bad day that glides with me throughout the day. I can't sit there and think on it, I have to react. I don't function without reacting to something I see. Call me dumb, say I am wrong, maybe I am, if so I will deal with the consequences of leading myself in a wrong direction.
I was never here to rush anything, or push anything. But, in this case I have to push myself, to be the best that I can be. I want to be worth it, I want to be noticed. But more importantly I want to make the most positive impact that I can despite my mistakes. I can't keep holding onto the burden of my past and would much rather move on with my life, living each day like its my last. Smiling till the day that I take my last breath, laughing till my insides hurt, enjoying my time because it matters to me.
I don't know that anyone actually reads these, I know some of the past ones I have written some have, but not very many have and some comment and some of them actually talk to me face to face about them. The point is I felt the need to write this down because its important to me, and it helps me get motivated even moreso than before.
So, to anyone who has been by my side throughout all the mistakes I have made, the issues I have faced, the sadness that I have had for years upon years. It's time I really give an effort, really make a difference, the way I used to. Be the best I can be but more importantly just be myself. I just hope everything works out in time...
The song that I would relate to this is "Fix You by Coldplay"
Thanks for reading, feel free to post your thoughts, because hearing what everyone else thinks means alot to me.
Sincerely & Thank You w/ Much Love,
July 4th And This Is What I Did
|Posted on July 5, 2014 at 1:25 PM||comments ()|
Ello everyone, and welcome to the July 4th edition of my Blog! First one of its kind! Okay...that sounded completely cheesy so lets just scratch that and forget about it, shall we? Either way, July 4th was quite eventful because I was invited to 3 different places. First I was invited to my mom's boyfriend's sisters house for Dinner, fireworks, etc.
Prior to all of this I was offered to go and meet up with Kerstin and Krista at the fireworks out at Mack Park, and while on my way over to Shirley's I was invited to Tom & Esthers for the 4th. Obviously I couldn't go to all three so I had to pick and choose. So I figured well maybe I can go to Shirley's and then meet up with Kerstin and Krista at Mack Park that way I could spend time at both places.
Well that turned out wrong because quite honestly, I didn't want to make my mom upset about going elsewhere and have to make her leave her friends and whatnot (not saying they aren't my friends as well cause they are). The point is, in a sense the 4th is a holiday to spend with your family and friends which is practically what I was doing. Mom is family to me and people can rag on me for saying this but Ed kinda is too. He's been with mom long enough to be considered it now.
Shirley and everyone else that was there were fun as always and good to be around. The initial reaction I got when I walked in the door was from Shirley saying "Zeb, I don't want to hear that you already ate, so you better eat, or I am going to beat your ass." then I proceeded in saying Well, hello to you too, and we both started busting a gut. Then Jayden and Justin were just a complete riot and it was a ton of fun.
Justin was all hyped up, must've been the mountain dew he drank and just running around like mad. Everytime he'd come inside I would call him Turtle and he would run wildly over to me and slap me and I eventually was like "Dude, men don't slap they punch." and so he started coming at me with fists and I would just laugh. Finally he asked, does that even hurt you? Then I laughed and responded with "No Justin it doesn't".
He got so hyped up that he had to try any way possible to hurt me but i the end he completely failed his ultimate goal. He took his hands and pinched down as hard as he could on my leg skin and it didn't hurt. Later on say five or seven minutes, I found out I was bleeding and I was thinking to myself why am I bleeding on my leg. Then I said holy crap, he pinched me that hard?
But overall that was a good time and I have learned Justin and Jayden are a complete riot to be around but so much fun to be with. Nonetheless the fireworks show began as it was now dark enough to start. So we started off with small things such as sparklers, worms, little spinners, poppers, etc. Then we started whipping out what I thought was some big stuff but turned out rather small.
When I say small I mean, it's not stuff you'd see people importing from Ohio kinda small. Either way it was still fun and I admit there was a few whistlers in there, to mention a good couple snap crackle and pops as well. So it made my 4th all the more festive, especially since Jayden was right there watching with me.
But I forgot the most essential part of the 4th and that was seeing little baby Jordan who mind you is very cute. I don't know what it is about me and babies but no matter how upset they get or whatever, and whether or not they're my kids or families, or friends, I can always get them to stop crying and in return smiling.
Maybe it's just my personality or the "gift" I have, I don't really know. But Jordan couldn't help but laugh and smile at me and then eventually she was just talking to her Bib and that was a laugh within itself. She is just so cute, you can't help but love her. But overall the night ended with a good time and alot of laughs as well. The reason I say that is because Justin and Jayden were running on empty but were still goofy as always.
They were out on the porch with us and they were trying to find songs that I absolutely hated and put them on and eventually they found one by Justin Bieber but as everyone knows I hate Justin Biebers music in general. So then I found a song they both hated and I put it on and they all were like "Zeeeeeeeeeb turn it offffffffff". In short, I made them suffer with the war of crappy songs they started, haha.
So shortly after unfortunately Ed was ready to go and honestly I was getting to the point where I could sit there and talk till 3am although I am sure Shirley wouldn't be up that late but still, nonetheless it was alot of fun. Shirley walked us outside and up on the hill was TJ, Brandy, Mike, LeeAnn and a few others. Mom yelled up Goodnight, and so did I and we thanked them as well as Shirley.
But then to be humorous I followed up with a "Go home you're all drunk" the reply I got was "But Zeeeeeeeb, I don't know where Home is!" I said its down the river and to the left in a state called California GET GOING! More or less it was a riot within itself and I loved it. Needless to say I think i will be doing alot more of this coming on very soon. But that's the jist of what went on during my 4th of July! I hope everyone else had a good one as well, feel free to share your stories here as well!
Sincerely & Thank You w/ Much Love,
Work Equals Hardwork and Dedication
|Posted on July 5, 2014 at 1:05 PM||comments ()|
When thursday rolled around, I was in a boat where I was supposed to feel motivated and ready to go to work that very night. I was supposed to go in there and tear it up and give it 110%. Unfortunately all day I was feeling like crap, tired, irritable, just not motivated to do anything. So when 10:15 rolled around, I walked down to the firehall and met up with mom and thus we went on our way.
Now on the way there I could see from the corner of my eye my mom looking over at me, where a bizarre confused face on her that could tell a story such as "Why aren't you talking much at all, or whats wrong?" Never once did she ask me that, she never really does unless if I blaintly show how upset I am. The point is I don't know what's come over me but I am as quiet as I ever was when it came to car rides and whatnot.
I often say I am a boring person because I don't talk much, but I think it comes down to the fact that I don't know how to explain myself or express myself the same ways that I used to. I think honestly as I blog more that might help me, but I have to help myself in spite of doing blogs and whatnot as well. There's other things I can do too.
But, back on topic about work, when I got there not only was I tired, but I started thinking about the slump that I fell into before when a big truck came. For a one week period I just couldn't get done in time and so I felt like I was becoming useless little by little each work night. But it's funny because my boss would always tell me "Zeb, don't worry about it, the truck came late, you can't stop that it's not your fault." But my response, anytime that's said to me "The truck might come late, but when has that ever stopped me from being motivated to get all the floor work by 6am or before that?"
Truth is, it never has and quite honestly it just erks my nerves because in reality whether the truck comes late there is no excuse for me failing to get done in time. So I dreaded that I would fall back into that slump thursday night. Which thank God I didn't, and instead I got done with all my work at a timely manner as I would everything. Usually I am there 5-10 minutes over just to put away Snuff and sometimes clean the bathrooms. But that's besides the point.
Fact is even though I came into demotivated, and worried about whether I would get done or not. I made it through, but it also helps to know Bethanie had my back in all of it. She knew how I felt and told me I could do it and that I would do it. If there's one thing I love about her its the fact that she can keep someone looking at a more positive direction over the negative one no matter what it is or what situation it is.
One thing I have learned over the past few years of working at Sheetz is to never give up and never let yourself down easy whether you're demotivated or irritated or just blaintly pissed off. If you're upset let that drive you, not to get everything done fast, give it some balance, give and take, get it done fast but at in a quality fashion despite being upset. That's when you get the best part of me cause when people notice i'm just ripping through everything like a butter knife through butter, they realize how close to done I am.
One response I got was you've done the Cooler, Freezer, and backstock and floor sales stuff already? 2 hours in, and they were crazed about it. Like how the hell does he do it so fast and so efficiently? Because like with everything else, gaming, friends, family, the works. I pour my heart and soul into what I do. My job is part of my life, without it I wouldn't have alot of things that I do have currently.
Truth is, I may say I am so pissed off when I am at work, and I might say I hate myself for not being able to be efficient on some nights but one thing I will never do, is give up and walk off or quit the job. You will have to do one of two things, either fire my ass or fire my ass. The only way I leave is if I find something I am qualified in doing that offers me more than what I am currently satisfied with. But even then, it doesn't mean I will actually take it.
You could pay me all the money in the world, but if the job isn't something I will enjoy, if the people that I work with aren't anything like what i've worked with already then sorry, money won't buy me happiness. Money has never bought me happiness, in fact it's brought me misery. It's a corrupt materialistic thing.
Needless to say after thursday night, I proved again I can get this truck done, efficiently and with good quality as well. I refuse to give up and I refuse to back down from that challenge. Throughout the Summer, I can only hope that they're will be more nights like these where I can look at that big # on the sheet and say, "Game on".
Sincerely & Thank You w/ Much Love,