My Life, My Adventures, My Story

Helllllllllllllllo! Well, this is just the next blog that I am doing about the Connecticut trip since the other night I had it completely finished and well it flopped when I accidently closed my web browser and it kinda just deleted all the work I had done. So that kinda sucked but, lets see what I remember and get this blog written, finally after 2 weeks when it should've been done a long time ago!

Leading up to the trip I ended up having a bad mindset and my mind was basically running in circles, and I felt horrible about it. Usually I don't have the problem that I used to have so much in the past and that's overthinking and stuff like that, but this time around it kept telling me that I had something to prove. My heart even told me I had something to prove while on this trip as well. But that's more or less personal related stuff and I might just do a blog on that later, who knows.

Basically I got picked up from work and we went from there, although I have to admit changing my clothes in the public bathroom kind of was weird and I didn't enjoy that in the slightest. I felt so flipping awkward it wasn't even funny. Especially when people would come up to the door and try to open it and it's like they didn't seen clothes hanging or anything. Just overall one of the most weird experiences ever. 10 out of 10 would not do it again.

So the trip more or less started out when everyone got what they needed out of Sheetz, and Alyssa totally wanted a Sauage Gravy Biscuit and in which case she got it! Well..I got it for her, but that's besides the point! Nonetheless she got what she needed and I can't remember if I got anything but I don't believe I did, Mom and Ed got what they wanted and that would've been coffee and out to the car we went and off we went. I have to admit car rides that long are never fun but it happens when you go on vacation and trips. Needless to say I was bone tired like, literally to the point where I was falling asleep every 5 seconds and Alyssa silly enough wouldn't let me sleep.

She kept either poking me or pushing me slightly or tickling me to keep me awake but it was worth it cause she kept getting random laughter and random smiles out of me. Plus there were a few times where she ended up hitting a reallllly ticklish spot and I kinda just woke up from it for awhile but then would drift back to sleep and be woke up again inevitably. Needless to say it doesn't bug me when she does that, I actually hate falling asleep during the day thanks to work but that's another story.

So we made a few stops and whatnot and mom would point out where we were at every given time, and say "This is where we are, this is how far we are" etc. It was quite funny and it almost felt like a history lesson haha. Either way we didn't really have to get things out off vending machines or anything considering well we had things in the back with us, snacky stuff, drinks, etc. So we would just take bathroom breaks and then back in the car we went and then we would say on the road again!

It was a pretty long ride it felt alot longer than what it actually was, but I was completely fine with that, it felt really good to have Alyssa there with me cause usually when I go up, since I can't seem to remember who's a cousin who's this who's that, I tend to have felt really alone in the past, unless if I just hung out with the kids. But even then its just not the same as it used to be because so many of the cousins have grown up and the events aren't nearly as big as they used to be.

Usually I would end up feeling alone as I already said, but with Alyssa there I knew I was never alone and that I was never going to end up being bored. So needless to say I was enjoying myself on the ride up and it wasn't like complete silence, we had Alyssa & I in the backseat giggling like kids in highschool and then we had the two upfront periodically arguing like an old married couple. It was quite amusing to say the least.

Alyssa took a decent amount of pictures on the way up as well, she got a couple great shots of the snow covered areas in PA and even got a random car wreck as well in one of them which was interesting to say the least. She also got a picture of the PA sign as well as the Connecticut sign but missed the New York sign haha. However, I inevitably ended up falling asleep  but that's only because Alyssa had agreed that she would let me sleep for a little bit. I can't remember how long I was even asleep though but it was long enough to be completely honest cause I woke up at one point and we had like I believe an hour or two left in the trip.

So I successfully stayed up for the last one to two hours the only problem was that I still felt so flipping tired lol. Then again I guess that's what happens when you're up early the previous day, work all night and then up all morning/afternoon and only get an hour or maybe two of sleep I think it was, I don't know. Nonetheless we ended up arriving at my Aunt Rita's house and it was fantastic. I was thrilled to see how excited they were to see us and but what I was even more thrilled to see how they would get along with Alyssa.

Seeing as how my mother gets along with Alyssa so well I figured it would be no different with people in her family considering they're all very very crazy as it is. So I ended up introducing Alyssa to Rita & Fred and it was so different, I don't know like I felt nervous almost, not sure why. Maybe I was afraid that the acceptance wasn't going to be there, but the thing is they already knew about her quite a bit because of facebook and all of that inbetween. Needless to say it was pretty amazing to see how well they all got along while we were there.

Fred being Fred would constantly crack jokes and mess with Alyssa and I and it was pretty priceless the first day we were there. Honestly we just used that entire day as a lazy day and it was pretty crazy. We all shared laughs and good times together and just enjoyed eachothers company and I can honestly say it felt really good. We ended up eating dinner with just Alyssa, Mom, Ed and I cause Fred was having some serious pain or something of the sort, or maybe that was the second day, no that was the first day. Bah, I don't remember. But either way, we ended up eating dinner amongst the four of us because Fred had to go to the hospital.

It was definitely sad but, by the time they got back I believe Alyssa and I were already prepping to go to sleep considering it had been a long ride and a long day most of all. So then mom ended up calling us about Walgreen's and what time they were open till and we looked it up on one of our phones, told them and off they went. Then afterwards I ended up giving Alyssa the foot and back massage treatment and we ended up falling asleep untill........the next day!

Basically the next day we had another semi lazy day but Rita & Mom started doing work on the house and fixing things. I even got to climb into the attic! Which was quite the experience although the whole cobweb thing didn't sell too well with me but was to be expected. So I was up there pulling things out of the attic and handing them down to everyone and it was definitely different. I eventually came down out of the attic and waltzed my way down to the living room and cuddled up on the couch with Alyssa and we watched some Law & Order and also we played some Trivia Crack..which is addicting by the way...oi I can't even explain.

So then it was asked what everyone wanted for dinner and we were like ummmm we don't know, and Alyssa was like maybe we could go out! So I asked if we could and we all ended up going out to Applebee's which was a massive amount of fun. We took like a whole boatload of selfies with everyone included and it was just a blast. We do not speak of the bill though, the bill is to never be spoken of. Either way we had some really good pictures so if you haven't seen them check el facebookio! That's my spanish, do you like it? Good haha.

The following day was filled with all kinds of laziness to be honest. We were going to end up going to the mall before we went out to eat with everyone but unfortunately that plan fell short and we didn't end up going because we knew we would probably be late getting back to go out and eat. So the Crystal Mall was a no go and we was sad panda's and slightly disappointed. HOWEVER, we made up for it at dinner. I got to introduce Alyssa to Lillian, Roland, Herbie, Sister, and then there was Mom, Me, Alyssa, Ed, Fred, and Rita, haha Ed Fred..sorry I couldn't resist.

Lillian and Alyssa kept joking around with eachother and it was pretty priceless and Sister was like, you know the rule right? I was like wait what rule? She told me, no phones at the dinner table, didn't your mother teach you about that! I was like oh..well..i'm posting something on Instagram lol. We both kinda chuckled and then i showed her my phone to prove it! Then she asked if Alyssa knew and I said no..I failed to mention that part lol! So we both ended up putting our phones away for the time being and we all got food and such.

Dinner was pretty fantastic but I think the best thing was seeing how everyone got along with Alyssa and enjoyed having her there with us. It was really great to see and I am very thankful everyone was enjoying having her there as well as socializing with her as much as they were it was pretty amazing. So a big big big thank you to everyone that was there that night! Although i still feel bad for being so nervous about introductions and whatnot.

Again, we don't speak about the bill, the bill is never spoken of haha. So the following day, was saturday and on this day we made our first apperance for both Alyssa & I in a mall in Connecticut. We were on the hunt for all the things. I was looking for a surprise but unfortunately couldn't find anything that would be that amazing, however we did find our way to many many many different stores. So many things, so much stuff, not enough time, not enough moneh! Good grief was it worth the walk around though, definitely. I officially knew my wardrobe was going to start changing the minute we ended up getting me a shirt at Macy's I believe it was.

So needless to say the trip to the mall was completely worth it, we ended up having stuff from Hot Topic, Macy's, The Disney Store, Pretzle things from the imposter Pretzle place, Auntie Anne's is better, two bags of candy, and I feel like i'm forgetting something..oh ear piercings for Alyssa and all sorts of stuff..if I forgot anything..ughhh mind blown don't remember.

So we return back to the house and for the most part its becomes a lazy day for awhile and we take allllllll of our stuff that we got upstairs except the candy of course, we completely chowed down on that! Then it came down to what was for dinner all over again, at this point I was like..it doesn't matter to me, didn't matter to Alyssa and didn't really matter to anyone so we all just decided on Pizza. However, Alyssa & I had already planned to go up to Roland and Lillian's to meet up with Marisa and see them and everything and I got to introduce Alyssa to even more people on saturday! It was crazy.

But, Marisa came up and Alyssa got to meet her and such and it was overall a really good time to be completely honest. So in the midst of all of that we made a ton of funny video's well I should say Alyssa did and we just couldn't stop watching them and laughing. It was definitely a great time. However, the one thing I failed to mention was before all of that we had already left before the Pizza got to the house, so randomly I get called by mom. She proceeds to tell me to get our butts back down to RIta's so we could eat Pizza and then afterwards we could go back up. So we brought Marisa along with us and we all ate Pizza together and then I got tortured by being pinched and tickeled and such.

So we were there until well..I don't really remember how late we were there, but if I am not mistaken it was getting late but I could be wrong. So either way we ended up back at the house, and we got ready for bed and were in for a long eventful day the following cause it was EASTER! Wahoo! But, either way we ended up taking care of a few more things and then went to sleep! I can't remember what days Alyssa cooked but I have to say she makes amazing breakfast! Eggs, French Toast with Cinnamon, oh my lord..it was fantastic! Either way, moving on before I make myself hungry again.

Easter had arrived and I knew it was going to be crazy and that there was going to be alot of people. So I wasn't initially sure how Alyssa was going to react or how they would react, honestly I got so many people mixed up and so many names wrong it really made me feel horrible and really really bad. My mom even helped me out with introducing Alyssa cause I forgot so many names and what they were to me and just everything. To be honest I felt embarassed because of myself. But overall everyone was very accepting yet again of Alyssa and she enjoyed herself which mattered the most to me.

We spent most of the day going from the living room to the kitchen to the living room to the porch to the living room to the kitchen and of course the bathroom but still you know how it goes. Never staying in one spot for to long. Needless to say we went on a 7 minute adventure with Marisa at one point and we went and got Joey her boyfriend which was definitely different. So we all went back to Roland & Lillian's and we sat down in the kitchen and we all started talking and whatnot, well, I was kinda quite, okay not kinda, I was. Alyssa was telling Marisa and Joey both plus everyone else that was there at the table about her parents and all sorts of things it was really nice to just be able to sit back and listen and just enjoy everyone's company.

Until I magically disappeared to the bathroom and everyone started wondering where I went lol. Nonetheless we ended up going in the living room and everyone started to slowly disperse and leave and head home, and soon enough Marisa, Joey, Alyssa and myself ended up going to Marisa's new place and well we just talked and she showed us around and whatnot. It was a nice Condo that's for sure, I will say that. I myself had a few drinks while I was there and got kinda tipsy but that's just me, tipsy Zeb is still a good Zeb, considering I start joking more and laughing harder and relax a bit and whatnot. I don't know, its weird, I don't act all nuts and crazy and whatnot like some people do.

I guess i'm just a bit more controlled when it comes to drinking. But nonetheless we had a good night, and at one point I was curled up with Alyssa on the couch and I was of course tired and had my head on her and was just holding her and she was holding me and it was picture perfect! So the night ended with us heading back to Rita's and it also ended with me giving Alyssa yet another Back and Foot massage, and the funny thing is she never asks for it, I just tend to do it.

I feel like it helps work out kinks in the back and also her feet, oi, her feet pop alot, and her back pops ALOT more when she stands up afterwards and stretches, its kind off scary sometimes though cause it sounds like firecrackers going off in her back lol. However, after all of that we decided it was a longgggggggg day and that we needed sleep, so I fell asleep rubbing her shoulder more or less and I believe she fell asleep shortly after me, I could be wrong. Either way we had to get up early the next morning because the Appraiser was coming to look at the house but little did we know it wasn't even going to be very long lol so we got up early and stayed up for nothing.

However, we were tired and I honestly believe I was falling asleep throughout the day because I was tired and since we were up late the previous night we both were pretty zonked due to how early we got up. But the day was so long honestly it's crazy, and ontop of that Alyssa ended up going to Bingo with my Aunt Lillian and Mom and Lillian's friend. It was also kinda funny because in the midst of it, Alyssa texted me a picture and it was a guy who was dressed and looked EXACTLY like Mario. It was kinda funny haha!

But either way the day was so dragged out and long, I almost fell asleep while I was waiting on them to get back, it was hard to keep my eyes open and I had to step outside a few times to get woken up fully. Crazy huh? Then again I guess its not so crazy when you're not used to getting up at 8:30 - 9AM lol. But we did it nonetheless. So anyways, they got back from bingo and she unfortunately didn't win anything cause I apparently jinxed her! But needless to say we all were pretty tired, and it wasn't too long before it was bed time, but Marisa was wondering what we were doing before all of that, and Alyssa had told her she was going to Bingo and that I was going to be at the house.

But needless to say we ended up going to bed, and getting up the next day and it was just another lazy day, Mom & Rita were focused on getting the house packed up well some of the stuff at least before we got ready to leave inevitably the next day. Alyssa and I had made breakfast well, I should say and I, all I did was help get bread out and that was about it because inevitably if I helped it would've gotten burned for sure! However, Alyssa made french toast that morning and good lord it was amazing as well as I believe cheesy eggs, but I could be wrong, maybe that was the previous, I don't remember, either way! She made breakfast and the french toast was fantastic!

I swear Alyssa underestimates her cooking abilities big time. But she insists on saying she isn't that great at it, but I know differently! Either way it was a long lazy day up until around 5 or 6pm, Marisa asked what we were doing and we said that we might be going to Torrington to see my brother Joe and his wife Melanie, as well as their son Owen. Marisa then asked if we wanted to do anything and so we decided to go hang out with Marisa at her Condo for awhile since it was the last full day we were going to have in Connecticut. So we went over there, and watched Sleeping Beauty, another Disney movie that I hadn't ever watched. Honestly I feel so deprived of my childhood cause I haven't seen so many Disney movies.

However before the movie and whatnot we went to walmart where I got to spoil Alyssa even more, I more or less told her to go and get whatever she wanted and well, that kinda happened she did what she wanted and got what she wanted and you know what I didn't even care, why? Because I told her go for it. Needless to say Marisa was like Zeb, you gotta stop! I was like nah, no big deal, doesn't bother me, I haven't been able to do something like this ever, and ontop off that Alyssa isn't used to it and I love seeing the smile on her face and knowing that she really appreciates all the crazy spur of the moment type stuff we do.

Alyssa also knows that if she tells me no, that I will just grab the stuff anyways and put it into a cart or whatever and pay for it anyways lol. So either way no is not an answer! So we ended up getting drinks and snacky food for the trip back and also a few other things such as clothing and whatnot, and more stuff to change my wardrobe even more! LOL Needless to say it was money well spent and time well spent as well and just having fun and being crazy and silly like we always are.

So anyways back to being at the condo, I got to experience what its like for a cat that doesn't know how to use her claws yet all that well dig into my leg with them, and my gosh did it hurt! OWIE! All I can say is owie. However, it was a good night as I gave Alyssa her big surprise that she knew nothing about until we got to the Condo and that was when she received her necklace that she wears nowadays. I wanted to get something special and something that was an upgrade to what she was wearing previously and I wasn't sure if she was going to like it but it turns out that she loved it.

I'm really glad that she likes the things that I do get her, man, I am not used to this kind of thing at all and that seems and sounds so sad but its true. Needless to say it was a long night and we headed home in the morning and thus leads us to going home and gathering everything up and going to bed and such for we knew we had a long ride home tomorrow. So we ended up getting sleep and then the going home day arrived faster than we expected. Sad panda.

So we got up and we obviously brushed our teeth and whatnot and then had to start loading up the car, low and behold we forgot a pillow up there which was ridiculous and sad lol. But needless to say it was the last time we would be staying at Rita's house since she was in the process of selling it and the last time I would see Rita & Fred for awhile most likely. It makes me sad because we stayed there so many times over the years, but I am so glad to see how it all ended. Alyssa received a hug and kiss from Fred and a huge hug from Rita, and they both wished us nothing but all the happiness and joy!

Then we headed out and made our adventure home. It was really sad because I honestly was loving the vacation and I was wishing we could've been there longer, but Alyssa was missing home and I was kinda missing my bed but not so much. All I know is this trip was just fantastic, and sure I didn't include EVVVVVVVERYTHING or else it would've turned into the my longest blog ever to be completely honest. Just so much stuff happened and it would've taken me seriously forever to write.

However, I do want to write my own personal note and upload 3 pictures that were taken while we were up there and I hope you all enjoyed reading the blog for the most part!

I know I already did this face to face and through text and whatnot, but I am doing it here, Alyssa I really want to say thank you for even thinking of coming with me up there. I honestly didn't think you would even think of it, or ask about it or anything of the sort and when you did I really honestly was like whoa, she really wants to go, this is definitely something new, something different. Something I was definitely not prepared to hear honestly or expecting. But I felt like I had alot to prove to you but also to myself. You already know what I was trying to prove and you already gave me your thoughts on it, and to be honest I am really thankful you were there.

Like I said, usually I would get bored and feel ignored in some cases while I was up there just because it would be so quiet and I wasn't so social most of the time because I didn't know certain people or didn't remember them or they didn't remember me. However, you made me feel like I was never alone thee entire time and you've been doing that to me since the beginning of our relationship. It's been a crazy smile filled laughing good time, and I am excited to see where it all goes but one thing I know is with you by my side I am really truly happy and just enjoying life like I never have before. 

There's alot that I look forward to but I really do look forward to random road trips and vacations and whatever else you choose to go with me and do. I honestly still just want to get into a car and drive with really no destination and just say I don't care where we end up. The fact is you made me feel right at home by being there, and you made me realize that I am not alone anymore. You made me feel remembered and loved & warm inside too. So needless to say thank you for just surprising me out of the blue with wanting to go with me to Connecticut.

You gave me so many good memories to look back on and laugh about and you also gave me the best trip that I believe I have been on since the beginning. I love you and I hope that it meant as much to you as it meant to me and that you enjoyed experiencing Connecticut alongside of me! <3

Thanks for readdddddddddding everyone, my hands hurt really really bad, tis time to wrap it up and call it a night!

PS: Here's some pictures too!

Why hello there! I guess it's been long enough since I wrote anything, and one thing I might be doing is switching over to using WordPress but I am not entirely sure. I have a surefire freestyle way of writing blogs, and although my grammar isn't the greatest that's not even the point. So, lets get into what's new and what is going to be taking place soonish.

Honestly, everything lately has been falling into place, work isn't so rough anymore or so it seems, but who knows if all that could change. I've had my fair share of struggles, but one thing I have to decided upon is where do I go from working at Sheetz? Do I want to stay there for a longer period off time than what I have put in already? Honestly, if I have no other alternative I have no choice and I know people like Steve & Jo and many many others wouldn't let me leave without knowing I am going to go to a place that is better than what I have currently got.

One thing I do know is for awhile now I have been debating on leaving, and debating on what I am going to really do with my life, but I think honestly the wait is over, the struggle off indecision is over, and I really want to write. I just want to keep writing, and if that means going through years of college, so be it. It's something I love doing and it's honestly something I can appreciate and gives me a way to express myself when I can't explain things to other people as far as how I am feeling, doing, etc. It gives me that one way to do what I feel I can't do on my own sometimes.

Now back to the whole Sheetz thing, I have been working there for *Wait for it* that's right! Today marks 4 years that I have been with Sheetz, longest job I have held, and I have to say I have met a ton of faces, plenty of amazing people and some have already come and gone which makes me sad. But I never forget how many times I did what I could to make sure smiles were on faces and that frustration flowed away. The one thing I never took into consideration was how I was feeling through the entire four years.

I had so much personal crap that I dragged into work with me and just kept to myself about mostly, and didn't bother being a burden to anyone or letting it lay on their shoulders. I knew better, and knew I couldn't do that to anyone. Thing's were never easy for me but I always had that smile on my face and always did what I could whenever I was there, aside from the work part speaking. Not to say I didn't do my work or don't, because I do. The point is, I always put others ahead of me, and ahead of what I am doing.

Smartest decision I made? Probably not, but its how I have lived my life for the last 24 years. Well..since I could start doing things to say the least. Nonetheless I have shout outs to make and those are to people like Ashley, Tish, Cindy, Bethanie, Tom, Ned, Mary, Jo, Steve, and just so many more including Tashi, who was always my biggest supporter through everything. If I felt like I had no one or anything, despite whatever she was doing at work she always would stand there and listen to me and talk to me about things and give me advice. But she soon left and I lost touch.

But they say all things come to an end eventually and while my time at Sheetz isn't over yet, when I do find something better which I am hoping is relatively soon because of the plans I have upcoming in my life, I have made a ton of turn arounds and its time to keep that flow going. Which leads me into the 2nd part of this blog and such. So over the course of the past 8 years I have met some incredible people through gaming plus through real life making its way to cross paths with people.

So as far as the online friends I need to address, Alex, Adam, Dan, Kyle, Meghan, Ross, Sean, The other Alex (Fluffeh JR), plus many more. As far as real life goes I need to say Alyssa, Bethanie, Tashi, Ashley, Steve, and multiple others. I can't address every single person or else I am going to write a book, but then again, writing a book wouldn't be so bad...right? But here comes the addressing!

Alex - I have known you for what feels like my entire life. You've been there for me through thick and thin and despite problems we faced in the past with disappearing acts or times when we both took what one another said too personally, or kinda fell off that bandwagon we had going, we always knew what eachother was thinking. You really are the brother I never really had, one that I wish was a bloodline but isn't, but practically is in terms of how much we've helped eachother through. You & Me are brothers for life till the day that we are done here. Thank you for helping me along the way and just carrying me through so much of the pain that I was feeling and always pushing me to be positive.

Adam, you and I connected real well the first time we met on League of Legends back in Season 2, I wouldn't have changed a single thing if I could've because anytime that we disconnected and argued it was over petty things, sometimes serious things but that was rare. Needless to say you likewise to Alex kept pushing me and telling me things would get better, no matter how much I disregarded the statement because I didn't want to or didn't know how to. You are a real friend, that doesn't change no matter if I am not playing League as much anymore or not.

Dan, excuse my language but Damn dude..I really have no clue what to say. You're older than me but we connected as if we were both in our really early 20's and just did alot of things together. From playing League to Diablo 3 to Dayz Mod or even the actual DayZ and so many other games. You were one who was able to give me knowledge where maybe Alex and Adam and others couldn't. But that is simply through the fact that you were older and knew more about things than most did. I can't thank you enough, but if you remember saying to me "Zeb you're a better man than I am" the statement I still to this day claim is "No i'm not." for many reasons, I have alot of area's to improve upon. You were there the night things with Tasha went downhill and I ran downstairs and became unstable and just, lost it, and almost lost myself that night for good. You calmed me down when no one else was around and you always knew what to do and how to handle me. Thank you for being not only a real friend but a Father Figure I never truly had at any point in time.

Kyle & Ross, you both have been great friends to me, Kyle I met you on Diablo III through the making of the Clan "Cain's Shadows" now renewed as "Shadow's of Cain" but, we connected real smooth like. We may not have been through all that much together but, we never argued at any point in time that I can recall, nonetheless we always enjoyed gaming together and then random talks about random things, and all I can say is if you still plan on moving down this way, we can make it happen still, one way or another, you know me I always find a way. Ross, I met you through Meghan & Sean and let me say this, one day I do plan to meet you and cross over that Canadian border and see where that all takes me. Thank you for all the times where you claimed that I didn't belong in what ELO I was in League and for all the positive motivation that you dished out, because its not everyday someone would push me so hard to play a game where I was so burned out on and always try too make me look at every game positively and analyze the mistakes and just..everything. We connected alot due to our past relationships but as you said when I got into a new relationship "Ross Cooper Happy for you Zeb, this better not mean I dont hear from you again tho March 13 at 3:14am" It won't be. I may not be gaming as much as I used to now, but its for good reason and I will play when I have the time to.

Meghan & Sean, I have known you two since Season 1 in League, kinda crazy huh? 4-5 years of knowing you guys and there's still so much to be uncovered as far as knowing eachother like books. But one thing I can say is Meghan, we might not share the same Religious backgrounds but the respect you've shown me in terms of that is undeniably the best. But you likewise to everyone have always been there to try and help me through my rough times. When you Alex, and many others bound together to make sure I was okay and that I would be okay from those points on out, that meant the most to me. Sure, some of it went sour because it was handled horribly, but at the same time I don't hold that against anyone. Thank you though for giving me some of the best times in League whether it was fun or serious whether it was norms or ranked, you always said "Damn Zebby you are good and that reaction time though" I still remember hearing that and the smile I had on my face kinda like Faker does every now and then. Sean, we have had more than enough ups and downs, but I just want to say this, You can be immature at times but you also know when to be mature, You have come a long long way since I first met you and that's something I am proud of and that you should be proud of, but always remember, you need to be mindful of others feelings with anything and everything you say because sometimes it can be really hurtful and end in bad results that you don't want. Most nights you'd be up with me if Dan wasn't after everyone went to bed and would play random league games with me or whatever we would do. Whenever I had trouble sleeping at night and trouble being calm and couldn't handle being alone anymore. Keep your head up because you will turn out better than what many say you will or think you will and thank you for everything.

Alex (Fluffeh Jr), Haha, you randomly came into my life on Diablo III as well through I believe Kyle or maybe it was a random game. I'm not entirely sure, but nonetheless it has been one helluva doing Season's 1 & 2 with you on Diablo III. of course I didn't want to play D3 alone but you eventually came back before Kyle and Alex did and to be honest that made playing Season 2 so much more worth it to me. Facts are you might not know much about my personal life and you might not have been around as much as some of these guys and gals have been but let me tell you, even the littlest bit helps. You & I will bond just like I did with all of them and we have already begun that since the beginning and it's been absolutely fun!

Needless to say my online gaming experiences aren't over yet, there's so much to do and such little time but I am saying this now, I am not done entirely with gaming, and won't be for a long time. That's just part of who I am and what I do daily (well not so much anymore) and all I know is I met some truly great people and I might not be here if it wasn't for them. But I know my gaming days are limited at the moment but when I get a chance we all are going to reconnect at some point, but keep in mind I do have plans of making my way out to see you guys via face to face because I feel that's only fair especially with all the promises I have made in the past, I am going to live up to it. I need to. I love you guys and girls and thank you for the major support that you all gave me and just being there day in and day out.

So lets move onto people who over the last few years have impacted my life in nothing but a positive way shape and form. Shall we?

Alyssa, Good lord..I don't even know where to start. I really don't. By complete random chance I met you and I have to say it was one of the best meetings ever. Why? We connected from day one, personality wise and through our past. Not so much the military side but other things. I guess in a way I kinda relate through the military side thanks to my Cousin Billy, but that's whole other story to be completely honest and its just not the same. We may've had like this small fallout where we both backed away from talking to eachother and of course I left myself wondering what I had done, what I had said and maybe even thought that maybe you looked at me like like I was some kind of uncaring freak or creeper. Needless to say since we reconnected it is like when I first met you, constantly smiling and the crazy good laughter that I had been missing in my life and needed so badly.

Now i look at us in this relationship and I see all the connections, I am able to see exactly how well it will go, it's not about how short of a time you've been with someone or how long either, it's about how they connect personality wise and also on past events plus what they do in the here and now and how they get along. Of course we haven't hit bumps in the road, but like I have said time and time again, we will stomp those into the ground and when that happens we're going to smile through it and remember why we are together in the first place. This is the first time in my life, that I felt so patient, and learned how it feels to go slow and not fast and rushed like many times before. Everytime I am with you it's a hearbeat that I lose, it skips that one beat and those random times when we just look at eachother and smile and we just smile, my heart just rushes, almost like it wasn't to just pop out of my chest, heaven forbid that ever happens though haha!

But, I could tell you were something special from the beginning, someone unique who had alot of stories to tell and someone who would actually listen to me when I was upset or someone who would give anything to make sure that I was smiling by the end of the night when I would lay down to sleep. How often is it that I meet someone like this? Not really that often and its relatively rare for anyone in my honest opinion but I could be wrong. But for me personally it was rare. I could go over how many things you do better than anyone else, but I can't explain it all. Not through texts, not through this, I guess the only way I can show it is through doing everything I do when you're with me. Facts are you've vastly improved my life just by being part of it and by actually being with me, out of how many guys out there? Milliions, etc. The list goes on and on. I haven't had happiness in so long that I became scared of it. I was scared of being used and abused and hurt.

But the thing is I know you aren't like other girls, you aren't a low down cheat, or a sex fiend let alone the fact I know you aren't a liar. You've proven time and time again how honest you are, and how you aren't out to hurt me and I guess I am just not used to it, just like when you say I am sweet or that I am doing more for you than anyone else has (Relationship wise) I constantly wonder how I am this or that or what it is that I am doing that just doesn't compare. I guess I wonder because I am not used to hearing these things and having them truly mean something. All I know is, Love is a strong word, it makes and breaks people, and its broken me many many times because I fall fast. But this time around, I am not nearly as scared as I was towards the beginning, and I guess that's based off how comfortable I feel and also how happy I am. Looking back towards the beginning of February and looking at everything now, I see all the changes that have happened with me, and I am really happy.

Living life with your head down and and your face so gloomy and sad looking isn't a way to live, but now..it's like a renewed life so to speak. Having new life being breathed into me thanks to you. The facts still stand that you saved me from myself alongside the people who kept pushing me to keep going and telling me things would eventually get better. You were right there with them as far as saying things like that to me. You told me to not give up and to not ever let anyone bring me down. It didn't matter how many times I disregarded that statement you and everyone else were right, because look at where I am at now, look at where you are now.

Needless to say I woouldn't have changed a single thing about my past leading up to this point. Because we all know if we changed once piece of history in our life, then it might drastically change what the future outcome would be. It's crazy to think about but its so true. Then again the old saying of "You have to go down before you go up and once you can't go down any further you eventually fly high." Okay so maybe it doesn't go like that but still, you know what I mean! Either way, first and foremost, thank you for everything you do everytime you're with me. The smiles, laughs, dare I say I love, and the time together means the world to me. Everyone is happy to see me happy and smiling again, and it's because of you, but also because of what you brought out in me when I thought no one else possibly could. It's hard to believe..but its happpening.

Thank you for being the best and for giving me a crazy ride so far in this relationship, because it's been some of the best times of my life literally. The fact that you also connect with my mother so well is amazing, and like I had said before in my past relationships the girlfriend never connected with my mom the way you do. Which to me is still so surprising but it makes me overwhelmingly happy! But the fact that you two can sit there and be so open with eachother is always a plus! And then there's me, who has met your parent's parents but not your parents. Somehow..this is backwards lol. But it's understandable to due to the state difference and whatnot.

However, I do want to meet them at some point down the road, I am pretty determined to see it happen. Especially with how much you've told me about both your mom and dad and all of that craziness. But then again I tend to get nervous easily, but it's something to look forward to by far. Nonetheless I am thankful that I am meeting more and more of your family, especially at the gunbash last night considering I wasn't expecting hugs from anyone but I got them. It felt really good to in a way I guess I could call it acceptance?..Not sure. But, either way in the meantime you're in for a crazy ride as far as meeting my family goes, it's going to be fun and it's going to be a good time! Connecticut bound we will be on....I believe either Wednesday or Thursday depending. We shall see, but I am really glad you're going with me! <3

Bethanie, My sista! From another motha! Nonetheless, it's been a crazy ride with you. I was there for you whenever you were going through hell with Brandon and you were there for me when I was going through hell with Tasha, we both did whatever we could to help eachother and it wasn't easy at all, and it wasn't as hard as it could've been. But throughout it all we did what we could and everything worked out in the end little by little. Not to mention you have constantly been trying to pick me up when I am down and even if it was a temporary fix, you never stopped, you were relentless. More importantly you wanted to see me happy and now you are, and you have your own opinions about Alyssa and I couldn't be happier with what you told me Thursday night. We have many adventures to go on and I hope that both of us from this point on end up happy and have it completely finalized. Remember you're my sista and I am always a phone call or text away!

Tashi, I miss your face! Miss working with you a ton. But alas you have been gone for so long and it makes me sad. But I honestly wanted to say thank you for everything you had been doing for me while you were working in the same store as me. You always had positive things to say as far as how I did my work or just how I was being within my relationship back then. Nothing but positive things and you would always give me advice on what I should do and never forced me to listen to it. It wasn't easy after you left because I felt like I was missing my best friend. Not having you around to talk to me or pull me back to reality was really rough. But I know for a fact if you could've been you would've been. Nonetheless you are likewise to Bethanie a sister to me. I'm glad I met you and I am glad that you're still part of my life. But I miss all the singing we could do at night lol.

Ashley, good lord, that's a rough one to start out, because our friendship started the night that I first started working more or less. You were getting ready to go and your mom and I were in the cooler and you saw something fall off the shelving and i caught it and you just looked and said "Nice catch". Kinda made me feel pretty good lol. But no on a serious level you have been there for me and of course were my smoking buddy as far as Sheetz was concerned. Which I am pleased to tell you once and for all I plan to quit. Been facing some problems while doing so and I really just need to quit it. But, we had alot of great times working together from calling me Zebbers to Lady Zebbers to sneaking out to smoke and just random conversations about all sorts of things. You picked me up when I was down and always made sure to be serious with me without sugarcoating it and making me feel like I had something to prove and motivated me to do things that I hadn't done before. You helped give me a little bit of a backbone. So I can't thank you enough for that.

Steve, well he'll be addressed when I see him at work in the morning hahahahahaha!

So, basically I hope this kind of describes how my life is currently, and giving credit to everyone and especially to those who've stuck by my side throughout the last 4 years or so. It's been a crazy ride, I have hit the low of lows but not the lowest point thank god, but at the same time I have come close. I have alot of wonderful people in my life and I wouldn't at any point in time want that to change considering it's been a up and down ride to get to this point. Needless to say I hope that everyone mentioned and that everyone else is doing well. But this is me, filling you all in on what I am thinking how I am feeling and what people mean to me and that you guys truly do make the difference.

Thanks for reading, Love you all!

~Zeb

Why hello there everyone! Hope you're all doing well and enjoying life and all of that great stuff. I basically wanted to do a blog based off the past few weeks and more or less what all is going on, happening, etc. So lets jump into this and make the most out of it shall we?

So lets go back to the beginning of all of this which was March 6th, where things started to slowly develop. Basically, the first week was pretty incredible, So March 6th was Alyssa's birthday, and I have to say she had an amazing birthday that just got better from that point on. By this given point I pretty much knew how I felt towards her, I wasn't sure at first because I was afraid but with a good long message from Amanda and a few exchanges, I was pretty set in stone and knew what I had to do. But, I ended up taking a cautious and slow approach to it all, but not too long.

Saturday March 7th, 2015 was the night when it all really really started. I was invited to go to dinner with Alyssa, her Gramma and her Gramma's friend Donna, and I have to say it was pretty fantastic. I arrived first, and went in and got seated and just waited around, at first I felt so awkward being there alone. But, I go over it really quick because I knew they were coming and that's all that mattered. Prior to all of this though I had been texting Alyssa pretty much everyday a week beforehand and honestly I couldn't stop talking about how beautiful she was.

There was much more exchanged in terms of what I was saying but we won't go blurting all of it out there into the open world of the interwebs lol. Needless to say I was falling and falling pretty hard. See, back when I first met Alyssa I thought oh, I am going to be so shy and so quiet but it turns out that I wasn't at all quiet or shy. I couldn't stop talking, I couldn't stop smiling, I couldn't stop laughing. I thought to myself how can someone that I just met make my heart beat this fast or hard? I couldn't explain how I was feeling.

Honestly, I wouldn't have ever thought in a million years that I would be on the road I am right now, but let me tell you, and believe me when I say that meeting Alyssa was one of, if not the best thing that ever happened to me. For the longest time I felt so upset, I felt so down and out, I didn't want to be around anymore. Crying everyday before I slept or even periodically throughout the days, it didn't matter. I was down and felt kicked in the head, gut, everything repeatedly. I lost everything when I lost myself.

But, after awhile of talking I couldn't find the words to say how I was feeling, and soon enough we ended up drifting apart. It wasn't easy and it wasn't plesant because again I felt like I completely failed again. I felt like I was losing someone amazing, and in some cases I did. It was a missed opportunity. But, nowadays the best thing is that chance floated around and there is no way I would pass up a 2nd chance to be with someone like her because if I did, I would be the stupid one in all of this, foolish, etc. The list goes on and on but here we are. So lets get back to that dinner on March 7th eh?

So, basically that night was pretty incredible, I met her Gramma for the first time and I was so nervous to be completely honest, but I guess in some cases I had nothing to worry about. I met her Gramma and she was pretty incredible, the way someone can be so accepting is just..out of this world. For once I felt like things were falling into place, something I thought would never ever happen to me considering I was always the one who would help everyone else when it came to their relationships but no one knew how to help me and I didn't even know how to help myself.

But either way honestly it was a great night I ended up getting a type of pasta or spaghetti I guess, I am not sure which, but it was absolutely incredible. Om nom nom. Sorry, had to do that. Needless to say we had dinner and talked alot to eachother, Donna asked me questions about work, about me in general etc. Alyssa's Gramma kept cracking jokes and talking about stuff that was referring to work plus we kinda..picked on Alyssa..a little bit. Haha! But still we gave her a birthday dinner to remember that's for sure. Although it was definitely funny when it came to the girls singing happy birthday to Alyssa in Italian haha.

Alyssa was completely clueless, and what she said afterwards was completely priceless! Alyssa ended up asking "What does/did that mean?" and we all kinda looked at eachother and laughed and smiled and said they sang happy birthday to you in Italian! Her Gramma then proceeded to throw in something extra by saying "Didn't you recognize the tune they were singing?" LOL! Ohhhh it was so priceless. But nonetheless we all laughed and joked with eachother and of course no ones feelings were hurt, instead it was just laughed off and not taken seriously.

I was so happy though, and it felt so much like a date, it just wasn't an "Official" date lol. However, I can't even fathom or get over how this all started. I can't wrap my head around it. But my heart skips everytime I think about it. Some of you are going to think i'm so weird after this blog, but you know what ITS OK! I ACCEPT THAT, lol. So afterwards I ended up getting a ride from Alyssa & Her Gramma + Donna and I got dropped off at my Sheetz, and let me tell you, wait for it...here we go...Mom forgot about me. So I was stuck at Sheetz for about an hour lol. It's ok though, I didn't mind.

I went in and told Danielle, and Steph about the birthday dinner and they all were really happy to see a smile on my face again. I have to say this smile that I obtained never went away and this is where we get into the deeper parts of all of it. On March 9th, marked the day where Alyssa had come to my house, and I have to say I was surprised she really wanted to. But, it happened, and my goodness I am beyond glad it did. Why? Because I was able to open up to her on a personal level. One thing I did was I had held onto a necklace for the longest time, and I wasn't going to just give it to just anybody. I wanted to give the necklace to someone who was going to really love it and also someone who I would hope I could be with long term and I feel like I made the right decision in fact, I know I did.

So to get into that all, we both basically watched half of the movie "If I Stay" and it was an amazing time. Alyssa kept getting confused though cause they would go back to this point or forward to another point and such, but its okay! One thing she said to me was "You know you're the first guy I know of that actually watches Chick Flicks." and thinking of it now, I always love movies that are based around Romance, or Suspense/Romance. If I can cry over a movie, then that just shows me how wrong I have been about how I don't think I can cry anymore, because for the longest time I felt as if I lost that emotion. But the truth is I didn't and sometimes these movies show me that I can still cry and that I still feel.

So after we were done with that we went downstairs and ate some dinner, to which Alyssa said she was still hungry and to be honest so was I. Thus we ended up buying a Big Daddy Pizza from Foxes and oh lala, it was amazing. However, one thing Alyssa did was she snagged food from me when it came to my Cheeseburger Mac. Plus, she let shadow eat some of my ice cream too that we had later on in the night lol!!! However, after we ate pizza my Mom and Ed had to go out to a Firehall Meeting which left Ally and I there. It gave us time to really connect on a personal level and just talk about things it didn't have to be anything specific but rather whatever we felt like saying.

Thats when I said that I had forgot something and ran upstairs into the spare bedroom and grabbed the Necklace, which is why she hadn't seen it anytime before that. But afterwards I ran back downstairs and kinda kept it hidden, and hesitated to pull it out of my pocket. I thought to myself "What if she like flips and is like what?! Why!? or something" I honestly thought she was going to reject it, but she definitely didn't. So all the while she was using me as a leg rest, she ended up sitting up and honestly I at first didn't realize why she sat up, but then I quickly figured it out. I took the necklace and put it on her and I have to say that moment I had the biggest smile on my face ever.

It was one of the best feelings and moments ever and I will not forget that at any given point in time. So we continued talking but also watching TV as well, and just generally enjoying eachothers company and honestly I wouldn't have traded that day for a single thing. Especially when I saw the snapchat she posted and it showed her wearing the necklace saying "I'm never taking this off". That made me feel so good and so happy and that things are finally working out. Relief had finally begun to settle in.

So unfortunately the night ended, it was indeed getting late, but Ally's cousin Amanda came out and got her and off they went. I said my goodnights and all that good stuff, and said herrow to Amanda and needless to say I can just sum that night up as Perfect. Everything fell into place, and even before all that, things were falling into place. Also I failed to mention but my dog Shadow, absolutely loves Ally. Falling asleep in her arms so many times, this dog..he is a cuddle bug haha.

------

Zeb Leon Clark

March 11 at 2:25am · Cherryhill Township, Indiana County, Pennsylvania ·

So I'm sitting here with 10 minutes left on my break, and I'm kinda lost in thought. Sad right? Wrong! So I have said that nothing will get in the way of me being happy and honestly to those I said it to I meant it. I am happy to say I have smiling, laughing, and enjoying life for...2 or 3 weeks now.

I had been dealing with sad depressive thoughts and losing myself in all of it and crazily enough thinking the worst in everything. But..sometimes all it takes is someone or something.

Now have I had it rougher than most? Maybe. Have I had it the roughest? Definitely not. But one thing is I didn't give up, I rooted out some of the bad if not 80% of it and tossed it out.

Spring is dawning on me and p be honest this opens up a lot of growth room. I wanted to wait till winter admittedly before I started driving and that's exactly what's going to happen. Nervous? Good lord yes. But it needs to happen.

There's a lot more to all of this so when I wake up in the morning or afternoon I'll write a blog on my website and all the details will be in it. Ciao! Back to work with my crazy self.

So when I wrote this status at work, I thought to myself, what can I say? Without coming off as if I am still upset, because to be honest I wanted to show just how happy and motivated I felt. The truth is in anyones life, sometimes all it takes is one thing, one event, one person, to really make you see where you need to go in life, and who cares about you the most. Unexpectedly at this point it was Ally. As I said earlier I am blessed to even have this chance as far as being with her goes. I am blessed in general to have had her as a friend from the start though.

The point is I wanted to be a better person, I wanted to do the right things and not the stupid things and putzing around like I had been for so long. I let myself go, I really really did. I'm not proud of it, and I am not proud of the poor progression I made over the last few years. But we all make mistakes, we all are humans, and right now, I am working to improve all of that. I will prove that I can be the better me. I promise. But, nonetheless its all a work in progress, and honestly I know the top 3 spots I am going to go to practice driving mostly, and the Mall is one, but also Penns Manor because their parking lots are pretty practice worthy.

But first I just need to focus on getting the Permit and working my way through all that. Which I am going to! But by March 11th, I was poised to strike and make sure I solidified my goals and where I wanted to go with my life. I knew at this point sooner or later I was going to be asking Ally on an official date. I was officially going to ask her out, and hopefully see everything turning out to be a big success. However, it didn't happen on March 11th, instead on March 12th I had asked her if she was willing to go out on a date with me to Dinner & A Movie and it couldn't have been better timing as far as the movie went. Cinderella was playing afterall!!!

Needless to say that night her and I had been texting and I can't remember what I said but she said "Well why wait till sunday? :P" and thus I ended up asking her to be mine right after, and to which she said Uhm...duh, Yes :P! Just another moment that I won't ever forget to be completely honest. Needless to say I became so excited and whatnot and work that night went pretty fast, I was bursting with happiness and joy. Needless to say we also made it official on Facebook and to be honest, I couldn't have asked for a better moment in seeing my phone blow up the way it did. I was happy with what people wrote, and I was surprised by the amount of likes that we got for the Timeline Event.

Needless to say that night I realized what was in front of me the entire time, since late August/Early September. I had to take that leap of faith and make sure that this was right, that everything felt okay, and that honestly eventually I would be okay. Ally has done nothing but show me how strong I can and made me realize I am a better person than I originally felt and thought that I was. I couldn't ask for more than that, but the fact that I am in a relationship with her makes it all better too. But since we got into the relationship and made it all open and official and such, I have spent so much time with her and I always am left at the end of the night waiting for the next time I see her, hug her, etc. It's a constant rush of excitement and just love.

We've spent countless breaks of her together, we have spent countless hours together at my house or at the mall or somewhere period end of story, doesn't matter where. I couldn't ask for more than what I have right now, and things are only getting better day by day. Needless to say I fell pretty hard for an amazing girl, and although I still have one fear at least, she always knows how to put it to rest and she doesn't get irritated about it either. No matter what I am always smiling or laughing when I am with her or talking to her through texts or facetime/phone calls. It doesn't matter what it is. She just knows how to keep me happy. Often times though I leave her completely speechless with the novels I write at night or throughout our conversations during the day.

Needless to say I am always looking forward to how Ally & I progress together and I honestly feel like it's going to be a crazy crazy crazzzzzzzy ride. I'm okay with that though cause I am stuck in it haha. I don't want out of it anyways, and that's something that means the most to me. One of the biggest things is I can finally just be myself with her and not have to worry about anything whereas anytime beforehand with anyone I couldn't really be myself. I always had some sort of control put on me whereas now..I really don't. Honesty, Faithfulness, Trust, and Belief go a long way. I am happy to say that I am Ally's. I couldn't be happier with my life currently.

I know things won't always be peaches and cream but, I honestly feel as though Ally and I have good heads on our shoulders and we know we can get through loopholes and over hurdles that get in the way. The fact is we both work together and we get through things, and honestly this past night was a hurdle I faced, a fear that I have and that I am not used to is the fact that I didn't think or feel that I was capable of being able to love or make someone happy the way that Ally tell's me I am doing. She reassured me that she was happy with me and that everything was okay and that she was more or less okay as well.

It wasn't like one of those moments where someone says to their other half "I'm fine" or "It's okay" or "Don't worry, everythings alright" it was an answer and it stuck and it was to be believed and trusted. Needless to say I guess what started it was that fear, but the fact that I was crying at work made me feel so bad, I didn't try to cause a scene or anything but I just needed to let it out. It's so hard sometimes to fight off fear, but at the end of the day I can't let what's in my head ruin what is in my heart, my heart is what keeps me going, and my heart belongs to someone who is true, and real most importantly.

But to wrap al of this up, I guess ultimately, I am happier than I have been in a long time. The feelings I feel and the motions I have been running through, I wouldn't trade them for the world. So, do I do a personal note in this blog to Ally or not? YES! That isn't even a question! I have to!

Ally, Alyssa, whichever you prefer, I just kinda love calling you Ally because..well..it just fits and sticks. You have maybe some kinda clue as to how happy you've made me. It's not everyday I can say someone like you walks into my life, because honestly if I did, that would be a lie. Because one thing I know for sure is there is no one who is just like you, no one. I know a long time ago I told you that you would find someone here, that would treat you well and do the right thing when it came down to being with you and being there for you. I never expected it would be me though. I honestly didn't because I felt as though I had already blown that chance out of the water.

But the fact that you opened up and let me in and gave me that 2nd chance, means alot to me. I know we're making progression everytime we're together, or talking in some way shape or form, and it's always amazing to me. You are an absolute joy to be around and full of laughs of smiles each and every single time. I know I signed up for a crazy ride here and to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way. Just remember no matter what I am always there with you in your heart, through pictures, through old messages, etc. You name it.

I know you also have fears and are nervous about this or that, but I am telling you, I too have those same fears, those same hesitations and the same nervous feelings. But I am not going to just disappear without a sound, I would rather be stuck with you than really anyone else at this point. But its up to us to work through it or just take that leap of faith and believe that we have nothing to worry about. Hurting people just isn't what I do, some may look at me and say i'm full of it but I have never intentionally meant to hurt anyone. Not by a longshot.

The fact is, we are at this point and I am believing that we will progress and become stronger than we currently are. You are an amazing woman/girl/lady, whatever you prefer, and you have this uniqueness about you that just grips onto me and says "Boy, you better not ever let her go". I know I often times have trouble explaining things, and I get my words jumbled and my lines criss crossed, but at the end of the day, all I need you to know is you are loved, and you are not ever alone. Certain people will hurt you, certain people will try to break you, but no matter what, I am not one of those people.

I am not one who just sits back and takes advantage and uses an abuses and you know that. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be treated right, and more importantly you deserve to be accepted and loved for who you are, not what you look like or by the things you do. You are who you are, and I wouldn't want that any other way. Just always remember you're never alone, and you don't have to worry about a thing when it comes to me. I am stuck, and that's all there is to it.

Thanks for opening your heart up to me and letting me in, and giving me a shot. You made me realize that it isn't the end for me, or the end of the world for that matter, and that I was just in a huge slump but that I really can be a better person as long as I make strides to do so. Not to mention you've been so supportive as well as far as asking me questions about what I am going to do. No one really ever does that honestly.

But, I hope that I can keep a smile on your face and keep making you laugh as much as I already do and just hope you keep enjoying your time with me. Because honestly I wouldn't want you to be upset or not laughing and not enjoying your time with me, I would be a sad sad panda. Nonetheless, just remember, you're loved, you're cared for, not just by me, but by your family, friends, and also a my mom and I as well as many others you'll meet along the way.

You truly are amazing and simply the best, I love you.

Welp, that wraps this up. Thanks for reading everyone, and until next time!

~Ciao

~Zeb

So, HELLO everyone! I know I know I haven't blogged in what seems like forever, but hey what can I say? I've been super busy and mostly lazy lol. Busy & Lazy in the same sentence somehow that just doesn't seem accurate, but eh it happens. So where do I start? How about I start in what all happened in January eh? So as most of you probably already know I haven't had the best track record at work. I feel like over the last 4 years this year has been the worst, and I feel like I have fallen off the bangwagon pretty hard.

I say that with a complete heavy heart and it hurts because, I know that I can do better, and that I can give it my all once again, prove that I am working there for a reason. So for 2 months now I have been doing what I can but its been relentless and it has been very stressful. But who do I have to blame except myself? No one. I go in there, work all night long bust my rearend and that's that. But now its more than that, its more than just bustiing my rearend, its about how much effort I put into making sure I am produciing quality work for my Management team.

Do I try to impress people? No, but I merely try to do my job at the highest level that I can achieve. It's not easy and it makes me sad or very angry when I don't do something right. Often times I feel stupid because of my mistakes and I just look at myself and say man..that person who said I don't deserve my job was right. All I do is mess up and its only going to make me look worse later on down the road. So to catch you up on something extra special that I did as far as work is concerned, I literally overhauled my rotations as far as Peg Candy/Snack Food was concerned. It's almost like I overhauled the whole sales floor in terms of what we sell.

It was brought to my attention that I wasn't doing something right, I argued, I fought back, but I was wrong. Why? Because I didn't realize just how much I messed up. Not until I started pulliing things off the shelves & pegs. Needless to say I was doing a very bad job in my honest opinion. But I could sit here and rag on myself all day about it, but I am not goiing to because I don't need that, and twice as much I need to bring my A-Game again as Steve likes to call it. It's game on and work, is about to get its rearend whipped. So enough about that.

So we move on to the second part of this crazy long blog. So lately I have been rather down and out, always thinking of the worst. Now everyone knows that my former Girlfriend Tasha & I are long done and over with, for what feels like years. But I wanted to dive a little deeper into where I went wrong. So, back in August of last year I met this amazing girl named Alyssa at the mall, and needless to say she was nothiing short of amazing. She is talkative, she understands me, and most of all she accepts who I am and listens to me about basically everything I throw out there.

How many people can you honestly say give a crap to actually sit there and listen to you talk about your problems or stuff that's going on or even personal life stuff? Not many actually will sit by and do it but she has. For some time Alyssa & I had nonstop conversations about random things, important things, and just general things. I have to say the beginning was just amazing. Meeting her was a Blessing or maybe even a miracle within itself. The happiness that I felt and laughter/smiles gained from having a friend like her meant the world to me at the time. But wait..there's more!

So as we were talking I noticed Alyssa & I were getting really close, and it was fast, and then doom kinda struck. Okay doom is probably an overstatement. Either way, we both were getting closer and closer and then one day it just stopped, we both pulled away and I believe it was based off of being afraid. Not afraid of eachother but how close we had gotten over the period of time we were talking. So my story is basically that I got really close to her, and I wasn't sure at first what I was feeling but it became very clear to me, but I didn't react to it. I was afraid of messing up, I was afraid of getting hurt even moreso than before.

But the thing is Alyssa and I connected on many different levels, from things we've been through, thing's we've done and many many other things as well. So it all was set in stone pretty much where it could go and where this path would lead if we both chose to take it. But overall we both were afraid of alot of thiings. So it kind of melted away but was still there in a sense over the coming months. So I had a pretty rough breakdown and I was literally waking up everyday knowing my life around me was crumbling. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone or tell them what was going on with me.

Not my mom, brother, family in general, friends, not even Ally. But when I finally did crash I broke down completely and almost made the stupidest decision of my life and that was letting it go. Letting everything go and saying no..this life isn't worth anything to me anymore, and I mean nothing to anyone. I felt so cold, and so empty, I would wake up crying in the middle of the night questioning myself why am I in this predicament, why am I going through all this crap? Where am I going with my life, and I would answer myself with "No where, you are alone".

For the longest time I had been someone who was so strong and not sensitive to everything. But to be honest after I lost Laila in my life (My daughter), I felt as though everything had been ripped out, my soul, my heart, all of it. Anything that could make me feel happy anything that could make me feel like I meant something. But there was a few people that stood by me through this whole thing. So, I ended up messaging Ally (Alyssa) as I like to call her, and I told her everything that happened.

She told me that wasn't the way to go about any of it, and that she was happy I didn't. That I am still here, and many other things. That's when she and I both admitted to eachother that we both pulled away from eachother because we were getting close and it wasn't that we didn't want to go down that road, but rather we were afraid of it all due to our past relationships (She may not remember the text message conversations that took place). But, the thing is I always knew in the back of my head she was someone special.

So moving on, I started dating and just trying to see if I could do this whole starting over thing. It was harder than I had imagined, I had no clue what to say or what to do in any relationship that I ended up getting into. I felt like a train wreck every single time. What could I do? What should I do? How can I make sure that I don't make the same mistakes that I made in the past? All these things running through my head all at once. It was just insane. So as you can imagine I got hurt, and hurt again, and then again.

So then I fell back into a lower frame of mind again, and started to think the worst in things. Thing's blew up and Alex (My brother, my best friend) that I met years ago did something that I don't think any other friend would've done at that given point in time. That would be contacting my Mother & Brother directly about how he thought I was going to end my life, because of what I had written in a message to him. Probably the longest one I had ever written to him directly. Needless to say the following day I had to convince my mother nothing was going to happen and then my brother called and asked me what was going on and he more or less to sum it up, said I need to get my head on straight and get my life back on track, that I need to get right.

So where could I start? Where did I go, what did I do? I followed what he said and I am slowly making more and more progress everyday to help improve my life. Which leads me to the point where I am now. For 3 weeks tops now, I have been feeling so much better, so much more relief. It feels amazing but for quite a few reasons. Alyssa and I had started talking again and we both messaged eachother with "I miss your face :P" and that's where things started. So we started meeting up again and hanging out and she would have her crazy moments and I would sit back lauugh and just enjoy my time with her. We talked about alot of different things, she told me more about her family and places she'd been and what it was like, and all sorts of things.

But this time around I was more open, and less shy about how I began feeling again. The truth is I never stopped caring about her, and I never stopped thinking about her. I thought to myself, on a certain day to day basis, maybe I am blind and don't see what's in front of me. Truth is I was blind and I didn't see who was right in front of me, who was always trying to be there for me, and was always doing what she could every time she talked to me. All this time the feelings were there, and things started to slowly fall into place. So check out these images to see jsut where it all began.

This is where it all began, and to be honest I couldn't have been happier about how accepting she is of what I do say to her and how it makes her feel even if I don't know the full on amount of how it makes her feel since we haven't really dived too too far into anything. But, needless to say I went up to the mall and she happened to be working and I saw her status asking for someone to come and see her at work. Thus, I showed up and she saw me and thought to herself "Wait, what?!" Because I am just that good at being sneaky ;).

However, so she took a 15 and we hung out for that time and to be completely honest it was pretty amazing. We talked about things and laughed and smiled as we always did and always have. It felt right and everythiing seemed to be slowly but surely falling into place. I couldn't have been happier than I am I now currently knowing how everything has its way of working out and how certain situations lead you to the person that maybe, just maybe you were supposed to be more open to and see as someone more than just that one friend.

So that night I ended up going to church for the first time in years, and to be honest it felt fantastic. But to get into that, I needless to say was nervous because this was the first time I was meeting her 'Gramma' as she likes to call her, I stood corrected when I said that her "Grandma" was pretty awesome haha. Nonetheless it was a good night, and I met some pretty nice people. Including her Gramma's friend Donna who had all sorts of questions and it felt pretty amazing. I felt acceptance for the first time in a long time. I even managed to hit my head off a pew to which Ally's Gramma said "And here I thought Alyssa was the only one who could pull that off".

So it felt pretty amazing to be accepted for who I was in a sense but this was only the beginning. Considering I felt pretty good being next to Alyssa that night. Looking over at her while she swayed to the music while singing was pretty funny but so cute too. I was just beginning to fall all over again, completely. Then before I knew it the night was over and I was sad because that meant that I had to say Ta Ta for now. However, it was a good night and it was definitely fantastic to meet her Gramma considering she is a wonderful person and definitely knows how to crack jokes.

So moving forward a little more, Alyssa and I started talking more, and her cousin Amanda found out what I had been saying to Alyssa and messaged me on facebook, and I won't post the whole thing, but she told me that I really should just ask Alyssa out on a date. I was nervous to even hear that but also in shock in a sense that Amanda even talked to me, considering I had never been messaged by her before or anything. She just kinda randomly added me out of no where, but as usual, I was okay with it. But we all know I am shy around new people haha.

Needless to say I didn't ask anything or much of anything to be completely honest, but my feelings the more Alyssa and I talked just grew stronger and stronger. I started feeling 100% comfortable with everything and meeting up with her just made it even better and easier. It's almost like I knew what to say and when to say things. Which I had been having problems with previously. However, it was so different this time around. So on saturday of this past week, Alyssa & I & Her Gramma + Donna went to Luigi's around where I work and I arrived first.

Not going to lie I felt so awkward walking in alone and being like this "Ah..hi, there's a reservation for 4 people tonight in the name of Marg? I think I got it right" then the gir looked and was like "Yup! You're the first one here, would you like to wait or be seated" so I chose to be seated, and sat there, got a drink, but barely had drank any of it, and I just sat there feeling so awkward cause I was alone haha. This had also been the first time I ever went to Luigi's. But it was so worth it in every way shape and form. There were so many good things that happened that night and ontop of that I got to learn more about both Alyssa's Gramma and her friend Donna as well. So it made for a great night.

Alyssa seemed really happy that I was there, and afterwards I told her I was glad I could go and spend the night with her and her Gramma plus Donna. She was really glad I was able to go as well which meant alot to me and it just spoke to me like a raindrop does to a lake, that ripple effect :). Nonetheless the night was over and I had been dropped off at Sheetz (Where I work) and I thanked everyone for having me and that I hoped to do it again sometime. Wished Ally another happy birthday, and I think that was the 3rd or 4th time I wished it haha. Nonetheless I went into Sheetz and let my mom know she was done and literally 5 minutes later I get a message from her saying she was already back home.

So I was forgotten, I was a sad panda, oh so so so sad. No no, not really but she did eventually come and get me, ITS OKAY, haha. So I got home and my phone had died and I was sad because I wanted to text Ally more, but unfortunately I dun goofed and didn't charge my phone before I left or anything. But, we ended up talking more and Snapchatting eachother which always brightens my day when I see that beautiful face smiling back.

Needless to say it was a good night and it was one to remember for days to come. So, after that I took initiative and asked Alyssa if she wanted to come to my house and such and she at first asked "Are you sure your mother is okay with me coming over?" To which I told her she was. It was a day and night filled with Laughs, smiles, and great memories, and alot of talking. I even got used as a leg rest! Come on what's better? Haha, but seriously it was an amazing time, because leading up to it I had told Ally I had gotten her "things" for her birthday because "reasons".

So in all, I managed to get her a $30 Gift card to walmart, plus, some good smelly Japanese Cherry Blossom stuffs, and also this necklace that I have to admit looks amazing on her. Then again she looks amazing overall anyways ;). That's just my opinion thought, but it kinda stands haha. I also learned that Shadow absolutely lovers her, my pup fell asleep in her arms 4 times I believe, maybe it was more than that, I can't remember. But she had him so worn out it was so funny. But, overall it was the best night I had and I felt really comfortable. But as I always say I don't want to make her feel uncomfy as far as how close I am to her.

But overall the past 2 months have been crazy, I have been down in the dumps, and thrown around like things in a tornado or massive wind storm. one of the two you pick. But I opened my eyes up, looked in front of me, and saw this amazing lady in front of me. One that had been there all along and Alyssa if you're reading this, remember, You are an amazing person, and you have no clue how much fun it is being around you and what a joy it is to have you in my life. Slow and easy wins the race and all I know is, I am really glad I didn't fall away or let go or even back off again, but I am also happy you didn't as well.

I want to really thank Alyssa for everything that she has done and for every smile and laugh that I have had. She really is one of a kind and not a single person can really tell me differently. But, most of all I want to thank those that stuck by me and just laid a hand on me and told me no matter what to never give up and to not leave them. In the end I learned who my real friends are, and I learned what the word "Family" really means. Because without the friends that I do have, the family I do have, and Alyssa...Honestly, I wouldn't have much of anything and I would probably still be going in circles wondering where I am going.

I'm now enjoying life, smiling each day and my new motto is that My life is falling into place, and some spots are still shaky but I am working out the kinks but no one or anything is going to stop me from being happy and a better person through it all. I am really thankful and I can't really explain just how lucky I am either. But I will say this, it's all a step in the right direction and where I end up from here, who knows, but I am willing to find out, and be open to every possibility that gets thrown my way. Time heals everything and new doors begin to open. I have healed, finally, and the new doors are finally open and I am walking through them.

Not knowing where it will lead me but this is the next chapter in my life, and my book hasn't closed yet, I still have many chapters to write. But I am sure that most of you that read my blogs and everything will be there for the ride. I also will try to get more consistent with writing as I do apologize for not writing in 2 months more or less. But, thanks to everyone who does read them and I really really hope this sheds some light on what has been going on in my life.

Thanks for reading!

Sincerely,

~Zeb

These are the pictures I was talking about earlier, of what I was saying to Alyssa.

So to start this off I would like to honestly say thank you to the following people for everything they've done over the past 2 weeks, My Mother, Kirsten, Alex, Alyssa and Val. These 5 people made such an impact on my life over the past two weeks that I can't believe how crazy the changes have been. So lets start where it all began cause everyone wants to know what happened, and what's really going on!

So the beginning of Thanksgiving week my life was absolutely normal, living day to day and not really smiling and laughing and if I did I was completely faking it because I wasn't really happy with anything going on in my life at that point. I became really null to everything, cocky about how I was doing my job and living my life. I also felt as I failed as father and failed as a person in general and I still questioned what was going to happen to me. Whether I was going to ever be happy and smiling all the time like I used to be.

Alot of people remember me as being a vibrant and bright headed person but someone who knew how he was feeling everyday and that was happy and giddy. I used to have some of the greatest times of my life and often wondered where those days went, and why I was feeling so down and out now. So for 3 years or more I felt like I lost myself, lost everything, and was going to eventually become nothing like my father had said to me multiple times in my past.

So I went on vacation from work and went to Connecticut to spend Thanksgiving up there with family and just try to enjoy myself for a change. The first couple days was a struggle because I felt as though I couldn't be myself or be happy around anyone anymore. Who should deserve to feel that way around FAMILY of all people? No one should end up feeling that way or should've felt that way as long as I did and as empty as I did for as long as I did. However that soon changed a few days later.

See, I was always the person who wanted to reach out to people and never expected anything in return. I always wanted to do right by the people who I loved the most, family, friends, co workers, and whatnot. But I was failing because I lost myself, and I started to think that maybe being Selfless wasn't for me anymore, like it wasn't what I was meant to be anymore. I couldn't give out any advice that would really tug on someones heart strings anymore. I literally lost myself to the void of being empty and hurt and just being in pain because of my past. I relived it almost every single day and that wasn't a way to be living life.

So, a few days into vacation I was on a facebook application called MeetMe and I figured hey why don't I give this another shot and this is where I became so thankful that I did. I ended up meeting someone so incredible and someone so much like me, that I wouldn't have traded the two weeks for anything and I wouldn't have gone back and changed a thing at all. My reasoning behind all of this is because of the kind of person Kirsten is and everything she was able to do for me.

We spent mostly every day texting eachother and basically figuring eachother out and I couldn't believe what was developing whether it was going fast or not, that wasn't even the point. The point was that for once in my life I was so indulged in an ongoing conversation that never truly ended that I was smiling real smiles. I was laughing with passion and I was feeling something so real and pure. I felt like me again, and also like I was ontop of the world and nothing was going to bring me down.

We talked about so many things and asked so many questions to eachother and just spent day after day talking, asking questions, talking on the phone and none of it at this point was a waste and honestly in my heart it never will be a waste cause all of it was worth it to me. How often is it you meet someone that you have so much in common with and have been through alot of the same things and maybe very little that each hasn't been through in the same way. It's not everyday and is in fact once in a lifetime.

I couldn't complain, because there was literally nothing to complain about anymore I was happy it was real it was unique. The way I was feeling and everything I was saying, I meant it all. After some time I had to ask her to go out with me when I got back home and to which she happily agreed and said she would love to see me. At this point I was so excited, but even happier and couldn't stop smiling and feeling this warmth again in my heart. Did I ever think this would happen to me again? No, quite honestly I didn't ever think it would but, it did.

Sometimes there were days where she said something and I overthought it and read into it way too much and I would end up apologizing when she would say its fine, when really it was really fine or ok. She always knew what to say to make me smile if I felt as if I did something wrong and always asured me that I wasn't doing anything wrong at all. So when I got home we planned out that Monday night would be the best time for us to go out and do something, it didn't matter what she said so we went to the movies.

We both initially were really nervous and really scared about everything, and to be honest that wasn't a bad thing at all but as a matter of fact a very good thing. So we're sitting there watching the ads go by and whatnot and I am cracking jokes, and just trying to break through this Shy barrier she had and more or less I was making her laugh and smile which warmed me up to her alot more. So at this point I through my arm around her and just held her and that led into us kissing. I knew at that very moment this was going to be an amazing night and one that I would never forget at any point in time as time progressed.

Being able to feel this way and feel so calm and relaxed and not like I was going to be slapped in the face and walked away from meant the world to me. I felt like a hero in some sort of story who came into someone's life and more or less made them see that they can be loved the right way and feel that they can be happy no matter what and that if they follow their heart they won't be deceived by anything in this world because the heart is as pure as it gets. So we're cuddled up more or less and more and more kisses followed.

I ended up taking her hand at one point and putting it against my heart to show her what I was talking about the previous night about how my heart pounds when I am talking to her and how my heart was pounding and skipping a beat when I was with her. She couldn't help but smile because she knew how real I was and how honest and faithful that I am. But one of the best things was how she rested her head into me and how I could rest mine on hers lightly. How I would look down and just watch her and she'd look up and smile.

Her feeling protected and safe, but not nervous or scared anymore, but also happy and smiling and just enjoying this lovely time meant more to me than I think anyone can honestly realize. The night felt like it lasted longer than what it is, and it felt like we were there all day and night to be completely honest and we were just lost in eachother and just everything we exchanged, kisses, hugs, hand holding, smiles, laughs, all of it made the night into something absolutely amazing.

That is one night I will never forget for the rest of my life, and Kirsten is someone that I will never forget at any point in my life. Even after the movie was over we went outside and she stayed as long as she could with me until she had to go and get home because of a few things. The fact that she did that without even having to ask me meant even more to me as that had never happened to me. A night like that never truly happened to me at any point in my life. I wouldn't trade those moments spent for anything in this entire world. They were priceless and just an unstoppable feeling of happiness.

I may've froze my rearend off standing outside and she may've too but we made a promise to eachother and said "Always" and I said I promise we will work on it, to which she was happy that I agreed to it and we both smiled and hugged and held onto eachother kissed, etc. Everything was so surreal and perfect in that moment that we didn't really want the night to end. Needless to say the night unfortunately did end but that's okay because even more days of texting followed and phone calls at night.

We talked about so many things and there's one thing I did for her that I never thought I could do for anyone ever again and that was impact someones life the way that I did through texting and seeing her and also by saying some of the things that I did say. I won't go into the details of what I said specifically because that is between her and I and its quite personal (Sorry everyone!! :P). However, I told her if she finds a way she can break through my walls and tug on my heart strings the way I ended up doing that to her on the phone one night.

Needless to say she ended up being out of town all day thursday and friday but as always like she said "I always reply back" and that night she did. That morning through I had a hard time because I really wanted to figure out my problem as far as overthinking things went and reading too much into everything and I had a 2 hour talk with my mother about and a facebook fest in a message with my friend Alex and also Val at work about it. But I couldn't figure it out still till my mother made me realize what it was.

All this time I was afraid of being hurt and being stabbed in the back, and deep inside I was still broken but at the same time Kirsten had her roots deep inside my heart and was mending all of that she was making me feel happy and warm and safe. But I overthought things and read into things too much and would apologize which would lead to her saying it really is fine, and that I don't need to apologize for anything because I did nothing wrong.

So she came home and I told her I had some important news and told her what happened that morning and she simply stated she knows and that its okay. Which at that point I accepted it for the fact that it was truly ok and not just her saying "Okay :(" Because that's not even what she meant to be completely honest. She meant when she said it was ok, she meant it when she said I love you Zeb or I love you babe, she meant it all. Honestly I can't say I had ever experienced love in this way or form. Something that was unbreakable hby the seems of it.

That night she told me she had her own bad news and she told me about what was going to happen, at first I was completely heart broken but then I realize she's not doing it because she wants to hurt me but she's doing it because she needs to for her own well being as far as things she has to get done and taken care of. I cried and then she said something that pulled on my heart strings even more, because we didn't want to let it all go and let it be a waste. So we both promised eachother something different, and then I told her to just have fun and enjoy life and let her heart guide her along the way.

But what I didn't say was that if her heart ever led her back to me, I wouldn't hesitate not for one second. My arms would be wide open and I would never pass her by. It's called being faithful, something I learned a long time how to be and how to do it. In time I will find out what happens but needless to say we finished that night not in sadness but on the most positive note we possibly could and honestly I am so thankful for that. Because it made everything we did and said and even the things that we didn't get to do so much more worth it to us.

We both smiled and we both were happy regardless of the outcome, and honestly I feel in our hearts that we didn't want to end things because what happened was completely unexpected. We didn't know it was coming until that morning, well she found out that morning, I didn't find out anything till she was home which either way we didn't find out until that day. The point is, love is a strong word, yes? I knew you guys were agree! However, true love is something that we rarely see anymore in this day and age.

True love doesn't just come and go it stays with us for the rest of our lives, and all I can say is if this relationship in the end is truly meant to work out then God will find a way to bring her back into my "Face to Face" life like he did that one night at the movies. Now I don't usually say much about my religious life but I do truly feel that this was a miracle and a gift to say "Zeb and Kirsten, you both can love again, and be safe while doing so" this was our new chapter and quite honestly it was the best chapter that could've opened and honestly it won't close anytime soon if not at all.

Even now we're still talking and smiling with eachother and laughing as well. The feelings I am pretty sure are still there, at least on my end they are, and they always will be. The impact that she made on my life and the impact I made on her life will live with us for days, months, even years to come. Kirsten made me be able to be confident, believe in myself, love in the purest form and also made me realize I don't have to worry anymore. What else you ask? She opened my eyes to what was in front of me through every word, every text, every phone call, all of it.

This was truly a once in a lifetime experience and I am so glad so so so glad it happened because of everything I felt before, it's gone. Everything that I felt with her and how she made me feel is still here and it will always be here, I don't give up that easily! So Kirsten if you're reading this today, tonight, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, whenever, Just know I love you, and that you truly are an inspiration to me and you changed my life for the best and mended a heart with so many cracks, you pulled my heart strings and got that reaction you had hoped you could get out of me.

You did everything right and nothing wrong, you loved me truly and you cared truly about me, and didn't let me down in any way shape or form. For that I am truly thankful but also for that I will always love you, I will always remember why there's a smile on my face, and why I can be happy without faking it and also why I can just be myself around anyone. You brought out the best in me, and you gave me everything back that I thought I lost or was dead inside.

I don't know how you do the things that you do, but I know one thing is for sure, you made me the happiest guy ever, and did it in the right way and you didn't take shortcuts, you literally worked with me as I worked with you and now you have a huge chunk of my heart that has your name engraved into it. That's something you should never forget, nor anything that I wrote either. I mean every word in this blog to you faithfully. I tried to keep it as discreet as possible without releasing everything.

Just remember this, I love you, and this isn't goodbye this is only See you later, and we're still going to talk and be the best that we can be, Kirsten.

Thanks to everyone who read this, and thanks most importantly to Kirsten with much much much love,

Zeb